The Eye & The Ear: One Year

My oh my, how crazy a year can be.
Let's rewind.
February 2013
After four-and-a-half years together, Austin and I break up.
Ouch.
March 2014
After ten months together, Matt and I break up.
Again?!
Since I've now been through two failed relationships in about a year, I thought to myself: "I don't want to be anyone's girlfriend. Being a girlfriend is difficult. I just want to date around."

April 2014
I started a Tinder profile and friend-requesting guys on Facebook who met the following criteria: 1. Cute; 2. Has a lot of mutual friends; 3. In the creative field. One of those guys was a cute filmmaker and photographer named Freddie Paull.

July 22, 2014

I shared a Buzzfeed article on my Facebook page called "27 Breathtaking Record Stores You Have toz Shop at Before You Die", to which Freddie responds that he went to one of the record stores.
Who is this cute guy commenting on my post? I must know him.
After some Facebook creeping, I decided to message him.
I don't want to message him the standard "Hey how are you?" so I'm gonna find something interesting on his profile to message him about.
Music lover, photographer, likes the Beatles...knows American sign Language.
Now, I've studied sign language since I was ten years old, so I found this fascinating. So I dove in.
That conversation led to us meeting in person...

July 24, 2014
On my way to meet Freddie for the first time, I got rear-ended, causing me to be late meeting him. I was fine, my car was fine, and I was back on the road within an hour. When I got to the Dubliner where I would also meet Autumn, Jon, and Noah, I was immediately greeted with a hug from a handsome man wearing a denim button-up shirt and speaking with a British charm: "Hey, are you ok?! How are you doing?"
I was then brought to their table where we drank, talked about our jobs and families, and got to knew each other, me and Freddie and all his friends.
After drinks and conversation, we went back to Freddie's house, where we listened to Metronomy and played Cards Against Humanity.
At about 3am, I mentioned that I had to leave and work the next morning (or, more like, in six hours).
After Freddie walked me to the door and gave me a hug, I got in my car and drove home while the sun began its rise to the new day.
I know I said I don't wanna be anyone's girlfriend, but if Freddie asked me to be his girlfriend, I'd say yes. I really like him, but I don't wanna mess things up with him like I have with guys in the past. I don't wanna lose this.
Since that day, we met up more and eventually started dating on August 3rd (Freddie's "Wanna date?" might be more creative than Austin's "Wanna be official?" back in high school).

In the past year, our relationship has seen many ups and downs: 
I housed Freddie as bees burst through his ceiling.
He comforted me when my identity was stolen.
I helped Freddie not lose his mind during one of the most difficult music videos he's ever done.
He introduced me to some of the best friends I could ask for.
I helped Freddie feel better when he got heatstroke, got sick, and became hungover from drinking too much (especially at Halloween).
He helped me move from my apartment in Phoenix back to my parents house in Chandler.
I celebrated his birthday with him by going record store shopping and enjoying Welcome Diner.
He cared for me when I got too drunk to care for myself (especially at Thanksgiving).
I introduced him to Harrison Fjord and Speak Easy.
He brought me to his parents' cabin in Payson for New Year's Eve with a bunch of his (our) friends.
I got him backstage access to see Alabama Shakes.
He bought me tickets to Eaux Claires music festival in Wisconsin.
I bought him concert tickets to see Tame Impala in Salt Lake City.
He held my hand as I went on my first real roller coaster with him.
I held his camera equipment as he switched lenses to get a better shot.
He let me sit in the middle seat.
I let him sit by the window.
He helped me through my depression.
I helped him through his depression.

We started a blog together. We celebrated holidays together. We watched the Grammys together. We said goodbye to friends who moved away together. We celebrated Record Store Day together. We went on trips together to Payson, Bisbee, Salt Lake City, and Eau Claire together.
We saw Foxy Shazam, Temples, Bombay Bicycle Club, St. Lucia, The Brothers Landreth, Alvvays, Israel Nash, Lily & Madeleine, Shannon Hayden, The Growlers, Dr. Dog, William Fitzsimmons, Alabama Shakes, The War on Drugs, Hozier, Tame Impala, Active Child, Aerosmith, Sufjan Stevens, Bon Iver, The National, The Staves,and many many more together.

We laughed together. We cried together. We broke up and got back together. We sang harmonies together. We danced together. But, most importantly, we were together. For one whole year.

Happy Anniversary, Freddie.Thanks for letting me be your girlfriend. Here's to the next year.

I'm Not That Kind of Christian

This past year has proven to be challenging to my faith.

My family is falling apart at the seams. My friendships and relationships are mostly spent at venues or bars. My days are spent working to the point of exhaustion. I no longer go to a church, nor do I have any desire to return.

I've noticed that I've asked myself "What would be the Christian thing to do?" less and less everyday. Because, no matter what I do, it always ends up being the Christian thing to do. Because I'm a Christian.

I used to worry about "doing the Christian" thing more and more throughout my youth and teenage years. I used to worry on a daily basis:
Should I give the homeless guy some change? Should I forgive my ex boyfriend for the stupid thing he did to me? Should I get up and go to church even though I was out way too late last night? Should I stop cussing?


Recently I have had friends, after realizing my beliefs, become surprised.
"Mandi, I had no idea you were a Christian."
"Wow, you don't strike me as a Christian."
"I find it so weird that you are a Christian."

At first, these statements used to make me upset: was I not living "the Christian life"? Was I not being the disciple Christ called me to be? was my light not shining bright enough?

After many discussions with these people, I came to the realization that they're not surprised that I believe in a God and behave the way I do; they're surprised that I am categorized as a Christian and behave the way I do.

Let me break it down this way...my friends find it weird that I:
Support marriage equality and transgender issues, fully and whole-heartedly
Support pro-choice for women in terms of pregnancies, because it's not my body nor my life to choose for them
Stay out late drinking with friends
Befriend, date, and even live with atheists
Choose not to succumb to the gender norms of women
Have tattoos (even though half of them are religion-based)
Have depression, and (heaven forbid) talk about it
Stand up for myself when people push me down

...and I still call myself a Christian.

Because, by today's standards, that's not what a Christian is.
Christians don't support gay marriage.
Christians don't support sex changes and transgender roles.
Christians don't support abortion.
Christians don't participate in alcohol-consumption, especially on Saturday nights when they have to go to church the next morning.
Christians only hang out with other Christians.
Christian women marry and have children with their Christian husbands (and by my age, some of them are on their second or third child).
Christians are taught to treattheir body as a temple.
Christians are always happy.
Christians treattheir neighbor with love and care, always.

I'm not that kind of Christian.


My God told me to, above all else, love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength. And second, to love my neighbor.
That includes homosexuals, people who don't agree with me, and, especially, people who don't share the same faith as me.

So next time someone tells me they're surprised to hear I'm a Christian, I will simply respond by saying, "I follow the teachings of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I love my God and my neighbors. Does that not make me a Christian?"
Because, above all else, love is the only thing that matters.

Giving Praise for #BestWeekEver

Last week I celebrated my #BestWeekEver and was on cloud nine the entire time! Let me briefly break it down for you:

Friday, April 17th - My friend Kinsey flew into town from Seattle and we got together at Freddie's house with some friends for some drinks and conversations.

Saturday, April 18th - Freddie and I woke up early and celebrated Record Store Day with my friend Jason where we bought Record Store Day exclusives from Revolver Records, Zia Records, and Stinkweeds.

Sunday, April 19th - I babysat Madeline in the morning, Freddie and I got some brunch, we filmed Low Roar for an Underground Alt session with Kinsey and Paul, we went to Marquee Theatre to see Hozier perform live (me, Freddie, Kinsey, Spike, Jason, Derek, Gabe, my dad, and Jaelene), and then a few of us went to Casey Moore's afterwards with Low Roar.

Monday, April 20th - I met up with my friend Spike at Crescent Ballroom and we saw Phox perform.

Tuesday, April 21st - I saw my therapist who refreshed my mind. It was my only night to really relax, so I stayed home and did laundry and caught up on my rest.

Wednesday, April 22nd - One of the two bands I manage, Speak Easy, played a show at Rhythm Room. It had been a while since they played so I was excited to see them get back up and perform.

Thursday, April 23rd - The second band I manage, Harrison Fjord, performed at one of two nights at the MIM Theatre with Alpin Hong. Afterwards, Kinsey and some friends and I met at Casey Moore's.

Friday, April 24th - Harrison Fjord played their second night at the MIM, which was followed by an awesome after party at Freddie's house where the Fjords, Kinsey, Jason, Blake, Georgie, John, Zach, Taylor, and some friends of the Fjords joined us.

Yes, the dates and the events and moments were important, but it's also the people I spent those magical moments with that are important too:

My Family:

Casey Kimes is the best because, since I was a baby, he has ALWAYS been there and never left my side. He's my ultimate biggest fan and is there to help me no matter what. He jams out to music with me, works extremely hard at his job and at home, loves his kids, is working towards his dream of owning a brewery, and supports everyone in his life no matter what.

Madeline Kimes is the best because of the way she looks at me with her big green eyes and says "SISSIE!" when I enter the room. She knows when Sissie is leaving, when she's doing laundry, when she has food, and is always there to watch her do it all. She's the best dancer when Sissie puts on her music and giggle uncontrollably when Sissie plays with her.

Jaelene Smith is the best because everything she does is successful. She works her ass off in everything she does to provide for her kids and provide for her own happiness and is always my encouragement and when I need a gentle kick in the ass. She's my best lady friend and I'm so lucky to be living in her home. 

My Grandparents are the best because, even though I live my life differently than how they want me to, they still love and support me and never leave me.

My Friends:

Kinsey Heath is the best because she and I can discuss music, relationships, our dream lives, and other ridiculous nonsense from hundreds of miles away. And when we reunite it's like we picked back up where we left off.

Mark Gabriel Laos is the best because he has always treated me with respect, both professionally and in friendship. We exchange mixtape ideas and creative ideas and his new adventures in Philadelphia are only going to launch him further.

Chuck Morriss III is my true homie; he can distract me with his imagination and tour antics, as well as provide insight and smiles from miles away.

Freddie Paull is the best because he is my constant support, my number one fan, and is always there to remind me to "keep my chin up". He is the best half to be whole with, the best person to do business with, and the best person to jam out to music with.

My Capslock Crew:

Spike Brendle is the best because we get excited about the same music, he's the best concert buddy, and we can discuss music ideas for hours. He's also always down for trivia or a party and is the ultimate music festival professional.

Derek Cooper is the best because he is the most understanding and helpful person when it comes to understanding the way a person acts or how their brain works. He also helps distract me from the bad by going off the deep end with hysterical jokes and can always recommend great music to listen to. Jason Shoff is the best because he's always quick with a joke or an opinion on music, knows everything when it comes to trivia, and is relatable when it comes to family issues and music issues. Also, he's down to join a party, an event, or a hangout. Just tell him when and where.

My Speak Easy Boys:

While they all continue to impress me, George Chadwick, Ryan Kluge and Blake Mitchem have been solid buds who have been there for me in some of my worst times and some of my best times.

My Harrison Fjord Boys:

Dallin Gonzales is strong-willed and has beautiful words and even more beautiful dance moves.  

Jacob Lipp is determined and fun to converse with about life and where he's at and where I'm at (an eight year difference!)  

Kevin Mandzuk is silly and just about as adorably awkward as me and is so much fun to watch perform.  

Taylor Morriss is like a brother and is fun to discuss music business with and is willing to learn and always able to put a smile on my face.

Jon Sheldon is forward-thinking and can pull off a hat with his long locks perfectly.  

Matt Storto is my stubborn son, but only because he likes to push my buttons, as well as encourage me. 

Mario Yniguez is fearless and passionate and focused and I love watching him get excited about music.

Moving #24WARD: Spring Cleaning

//When the time comes, move with the season// - Temples' "Move With the Season"

This past weekend, my boyfriend went out of town with some friends and I was really struggling with what to do. Most weekends we spend together: laying in bed until we are forced to get up, eventually getting brunch, sometimes attending a show or doing work together. All in all, my weekends were time I spent with him.

Since he was going to be gone this weekend, I decided to treat myself. I decided to do the things I had been putting off, like cleaning my room and getting rid of items I don't need. I also decided to pamper myself with a new hairdo and some new clothes to help put a spring in my step.

Friday after work, I went shopping at the Savers in North Scottsdale. I had heard they had the best collection (wealthy, fashionable people tend to live in that area), and I really need to adjust my wardrobe to a more fashionable, summery look. As much as I love my sweaters, it was time to retire them for button-up blouses and tank tops. I ended up buying about twenty-something items all for $100! I really struck gold.

Saturday morning, I got outta bed with no hesitation and headed to a local diner to grab some breakfast and dive into my Bible. I have been really struggling spiritually lately, so I wanted to spend an hour of my morning reading about what it means to have a pure heart and a steadfast spirit: it means to let go of the bullshit that's corroding you inside and allowing God to take over and radiate compassion and mercy.

Saturday afternoon, I met up with Julz at her salon in Tempe called Mood Swings. Julz always knows how to take care of my hair, and after five months of not seeing her, it was time for some upkeep. She trimmed my bangs, colored my hair the bright red that I love, and added some extra goodness in my hair while washing it to keep it healthy and keep the color lasting longer. Next time, I won't wait so long to see her, because, with hair like this, how can I stay away?!

Over the course of Saturday night and into Sunday morning, I cleaned my room and organized my dresser. With the weather rapidly changing to warmer degrees, it was time to move my sweaters, legging, and jackets to the back and bring my tank tops, blouses, and shorts to the front. I also went through and tried on every piece of clothing to see what fits and made a pile of clothes to finally get rid of. After all my clothes were organized, I dumped all of my old clothes into a bag and headed out to get rid of them. I stopped by Buffalo Exchange, where they took three items, and in exchange, I got a bag that is the perfect size between my purse and backpack: for when I need to tote my iPad, notebook, flyers, etc., but don't wanna lug around my laptop.

One of my dear friends that I got to know well over the past six months received a DREAM JOB in Philadelphia, so before she moves next week (sad!) she hosted a moving sale at her apartment. I stopped by to check out what she was selling, which included this gorgeous couch, some dishes, other pieces of furniture, and some clothes. I ended up buying a sequined, flower shirt (which I will be wearing to her going away party - stay tuned!) and a trunk to fit all of my vinyl in! I'm so sad she will be leaving soon, especially since she's a new friend to me, but I am so excited for all the amazing opportunities ahead of her. YOU GO GIRL.

With my new hair, new clothes, and a spring in my step with the new season, I'm working on being a better version of me. This weekend was the breath of fresh air that I needed to allow myself to blossom into the butterfly that had been hidden in the winter cocoon.

"When the time comes, move with the season."

My First Psychiatrist Appointment

I've been seeing my therapist for about six months now, and I look forward to each visit. Since day one, she has listened to my issues and given me really sound advice and helpful tips to help with my sleep habits, anxiety, stress, and how to discuss my problems with others. She tells me to contact her if anything happens, and checks up on recent issues I have been facing. Most importantly, she cares. She genuinely cares about me, and treats me more than a patient, but actually as a friend.

After being diagnosed depressed in December and starting medication, the next step was to visit a psychiatrist to get a proper diagnosis and further research my medication and see if there's a possibility that something else might be "wrong" with me.
However, when I made the appointment in December, the wait was so long that I didn't get to see a psychiatrist until today, March 23rd.

I have been really anxious to see a psychiatrist, mostly because of the medical side of things. I've been nervous to sit down with a medical professional and pick at my brain to see what else is in there that I don't know about. But, at the same time, I was ready for treatment.

When I got to her office, she had forgotten about my appointment, so i caught her off-guard. Then, she looked at my paperwork, and would call me "Kim" by accident because my last name is "Kimes". Aside from the mistakes, I didn't receive a welcoming or gentle nature from her like I did with my therapist.
This was the first five minutes of being in her office, and I already felt uncomfortable, so I shut down.

The hour went by with a series of questions that I know are required of her to ask, and a series of hesitation in my mind that anything was going to be fixed. Ultimately, I felt like another typical depressed patient that she wanted to fix, and not as a human being. She seemed to make assumptions about my life without ever having met me.

For example:
"Do you often feel like being away from people?"
"Yeah...I mean, lately I have found it hard to go..."
"...to work?"
"No...to social events."

"Are you sexually active?"
"Yes." (TMI, sorry.)
"Have you had long-term relationships in your past?"
Thinking back to a relationship I had a few years ago that lasted four years.
"Yeah."
"Are you depressed because of a recent breakup? was the breakup hard for you?"
"No...[unnamed] stole my identity and that is why I'm depressed."
"Oh...dear. You poor thing."

"Do you drink alcohol?"
"Only on weekends."
"How much do you drink?"
"Over the span of the whole weekend?"
"Yes."
"Hm...I'd say probably somewhere around four drinks for the whole weekend."
"Oh my. That's too much. I think you should look into the 12 Steps from Alcoholics Anonymous."

At the end of the appointment, she diagnosed me with "Adjustment Disorder". She told me she'd like me to take some tests and return in three weeks. I'm going to take the tests, return in three weeks, and hope for better results. If nothing better happens, I may consider seeing someone else who might not categorize me as if they know me.

I just hope I can get better soon.

All You Need is Love

As Valentine's Day approaches, I am reminded of the fact that this will be the first time in nine years that I will be single on Valentine's Day. This will be the first year since 2006 that I will not make romantic plans with my sweetie or be pampered with sweet gifts or snuggling.

Am I bummed? Not at all.
Because I have realized that I am surrounded by love.

This morning when I was in the drive-thru for Starbucks, I approached the window to pay only to find out that the woman in the car ahead of me paid for my coffee.  Not only was it a sweet gesture, but it gave me a sigh of relief since my funds are not ideal right now.
Then, I walk into work to find a pot of flowers on my desk from a coworker. Not only was I surprised to find the flowers, but he happened to pick my favorite flower, daisies, to which he had no clue.

And not just today, but everyday I am reminded of the simple pleasures of feeling love.

I feel love when, after not seeing my dad for a few days, he greets me with a smile and says "Hey Peanut!" with such excitement and when he sends me random "I hope you have a good day!" messages.
I feel love when my baby sister greets me with an enthusiastic "HI!" and grabs my hand to play with her and when she leans across her high chair at the dinner table to have a staring contest with me.
I feel love when Jaelene promotes my music skills to friends and family likes I pay her to be my publicist and when she texts me to check on me on a bad day.
I feel love when Freddie gives me hugs and tells me "Keep your chin up" and goes to concerts with me and purchases my Eaux Claires festival ticket because he couldn't bare "the thought of not being there without [me]."
I feel love when Kinsey, who is approximately 1500 miles away from me, sends me exciting music news and we can share the excitement together through our phones.
I feel love when my friends send me songs that they suggest I would love to listen to (and most of the time they are right!) and send me "Hey are you doing okay?" messages.
I feel love when my coworkers recognize my hard work. My job can be stressful and I am still learning, so when they tell me how well I am doing, it lifts my spirits.
I feel love when, even though she may be far away, my mother reminds me that she loves and misses me.

Whether you realize it or not, love is everywhere. Sometimes it takes someone paying for your coffee or someone getting you your favorite flower unintentionally to realize that.

The Power of Medicine

It's been a while since I have updated about the happenings of my life, but it's because I'm been busy with so much support and love in my life, that it has overflowed.

I have recently been diagnosed with depression, and with that has come the introduction of anti-depressants into my daily life. It has taken some adjustment, and a few weeks of letting it settle into my system before it finally took an effect. The first few weeks were rough: I couldn't get a full night's sleep, I couldn't fully finish a meal, and my thoughts went to dark places under the influence of alcohol.

Now, I have noticed some positive changes in my life, thanks to a combination of things, like anti-depressants, supportive people in my life, and music:

1. MY DERMATILLOMANIA HAS DECREASED
Dermatillomania is a form of skin-picking that I have suffered with for many years. I compulsively pick the skin on my face, on my fingers, on my lips, and compulsively bite my fingernails until they bleed. With the help of my medicine, facial cream,polishing my nails, chapstick, and wearing makeup everyday, I have been able to preserve my face back to its original smooth, scab-free state and have allowed my nails to grow.

2. I AM REACHING FULFILLMENT
I have finally reached the point of sleeping the entire night, and feeling rested when I wake up the next morning. When I wake up, I am not greeted with the feeling of staying in bed for a few more hours or the dread of the day ahead of me. Instead, without double thinking, I roll out of bed, grab some coffee, and move forward with my day.

3. MY FRIEND GAME IS STRONG
At least, that's how Jaelene describes it. What she means is that I have been surrounded by loving friends a lot lately. Almost every night I am meeting up with friends for dinner, a show, a meeting, or some drinks. Sometimes hanging out with friends includes work, like filming an Underground Alt session with the best crew or managing a band that want the best for you and them. Other times, I am playing Cards Against Humanity with my Capslock brothers or enjoying a show at Crescent.

4. I AM MAKING MORE PLAYLISTS
Most of my friends are music lovers (obvi) and so a lot of music sharing happens. Lately, I have been making more playlists on Spotify to share with my friends, and they have returned the favor. If you would like me to make you a playlist, let me know! Or check out my playlists on Spotify.



Life is good right now. It's not perfect, but it's the best out of what I've been dealt. I am continuing to push #24WARD and make the best out of any opportunity, one song at a time.