2014: A Special "Thank You"

With 2015 around the corner, I took some time to reflect on all the changes I went through this year: A LOT. My life has gone through so many ups-and-downs this year, and I am so excited to see what 2015 is going to throw my way. If I could sum up 2014 in one word, it would be: learn. I have made so many mistakes and have seen so many obstacles, and the biggest and most valuable lessons I have learned this year have been through reflection and forgiveness.

I was going to make a list of all the life events that happened in 2014, both good and bad, that changed me. But, I feel like most of you know what happened, and if you don't, then we will save it for a time when we're sipping on coffee or beer together.

I do want to take this moment to highlight the most important people in my life, who have been there for me when I was too weak to get back up. Whether it was providing me with gas money or a place to rest my head, reading my blog or listening to my mixes, or simply reaching out to see if I was okay, the people below helped me in same way the past year. I would not have been able to survive 2014 without you:

Aaron Rogers // Adam McDorman // Adam Vitcavage // Alec Tucker // Alex Regan // Alli Dodt // Ally Kimes // Anthony Fama // Anthony Gabuzzi // Ashley Abbey // Ashley Taylor // Austin Plott // Autumn Lewis // Aziz Hussein // Becci Jenkins McPherson // Bill Taggart // Blake Mitchem // Bob Roman // Brad Kleeman // Brandee Sullivan // Bret Bender // Brian Clemence // Bryce Clemence // Carolyn Jenkins // Casey Kimes // Chanelle Sinclair // Chelsea Johnston // Chuck Morriss III // Cody Cruse // Colten Samsal // Corey Coole // Corey Gomez // Courtney Marie Andrews // Danie Plott // Danny Torgersen // Danny Zelisko // Dario Miranda // David Kleinebriel // Deb Stelzleni // Derek Cooper // Derek Powell // Devon Adams // Diana Deaver Gudeman // Drew Dunlap // Drew Swaine // Dylan Pratt // Ed Masley // Ellyn Heald // Eryn Wise // Ethan Baxley // Evan Bisbee // Febian Perez // Frankie Carreno // Fred Reyes // Freddie Paull // Gabe Hernandez // Gabe Williams // Gabriel Gonzalez // Georgie Chadwick // Grace Campbell // Hannah Minkner // Hannah Paasch // Hayden Blue // Henri Benard // Henry Lizano // Jacob Johnston // Jaelene Smith // James Johnston // Jared Cox // Jared Kolesar // Jason Shoff // Jem Millett // Jenn Bangerter // Jeremy Berini // Jim Adkins // Joan Price // Jon Lewis // Jon Pesu // Josh Morin // Julz LaMantia // Justin Moody // K.C. Libman // Kenny Mitchell // Kinseyallyn Heath // Kit Pope // Krystal Rose // Laila Baddour // Larry Gast III // Larry Jenkins // Liam Deaver // Luci Davis // Luna Aura // Lydon LaJoie // Madeleine Miller // Maria Padron // Maria Sais de Sicilia // Mariam Neyens // Mario Yniguez // Mark Gabriel // Matt Thompson // Megan Murzyn // Melissa Hawks // Melody Michelle // Mia Sorensen // Michael Carter // Michael Cook // Michelle Traficano // Mick Treadwell // Miles Tippett // Mitchell Hillman // Nate Tucker // Nathaniel Walberer // Nicki Hughes // Noah Stone // Omni Rutledge // Pat Stuckemeyer // Paul Stovall // Perry Czopp // Randall Pettit // Robert Soares // RosaLee Ward // Ryan Heilman // Ryan Kluge // Ryan Scott // Ryne Norman // Sarah Johnston // Sarah Murzyn // Scott Krueger // Sean Harper // Shalome Patrick // Shaunte Glover // Stephen Dunegan // Tayyler Finney // Taylor Tolmachoff // Ted Jachimowicz // Terri Lawson // Tiffany Egbert // Tiff Heath // Tim Mohn // Tobie Rash // Tommy Smith // Travis Alxeander // Travis Tolmachoff // Trevor Hedges // Valerie Moreno // Vivek Tiwary // Willy Johnston

Also, special thanks to all of the people involved with CAPSLOCK MONDAY, the Phoenix music scene, and anyone who has extended a hand in prayer towards me.

24 Things to Welcome in 24

Spotify Playlist: 24 Things to Look Forward to in 24

1. More hugs
2. Taking care of myself
3. Finding a way to feel at home no matter where I am
4. Travel more
5. Walking away when I need to
6. People who encourage and support me
7. Knowing when to say "no"
8. Knowing when to say "yes"
9. Writing my own stories
10. Earning an income by building playlists
11. A new car
12. Learning to cook
13. Writing more letters
14. Recording more music
15. Getting closer to God
16. Rebuilding a vinyl collection
17. Teaching my baby sister music
18. Feeling loved and appreciated
19. Getting my identity and family patched together
20. Wearing more dresses
21. Being a hub for local music community
22. Taking more pictures
23. Coffee dates with friends
24. Being a person that is so blessed and happy, that I can inspire others to do the same.

23 Things to Leave Behind in 23

Spotify Playlist: 23 Things to Leave Behind in 23

1. Being under the impression that no one likes me
2. Allowing people to handle my finances
3. Matt Klassen
4. Working a customer service job
5. Feeling used or taken advantage of
6. Going to shows alone just to fit in
7. Procrastinating deadlines
8. Treating my car like it's not important
9. Nail biting and face picking
10. Not being compensated for the work I do
11. Living paycheck to paycheck
12. Assuming people read my blog
13. Running away from issues that require immediate attention
14. Selling my possessions for gas money
15. Allowing one person to ruin my day
16. Making promises I can't keep
17. Dealing with personal issues at work
18. Thinking I'm not worthy of anything
19. Showing up late
20. Leaving without saying goodbye
21. Comparing my life to others
22. Feeling pressure to settle down and get married and have kids
23. Pretending everything's okay, when really it's not.

24WARD: Seattle

24WARD: Things to Look Forward to When I'm 24

Part Three: Seattle

Earlier this year, I made the crazy decision to travel to Seattle all by myself with no agenda, no plans to hangout with friends, and no place to stay. While it was completely abrupt and spontaneous, it was one of the best moments of my life, and really opened my eyes to the world outside the hot desert life in Phoenix.

Occasionally, I think of Seattle and yearn to go back and send more time and meet new people. My time there was short, and I want to do some more exploring. I just needed a good excuse to escape again.

Enter Kinsey.

Kinsey is a friend of Freddie's and has been in their friend group since junior high. She moved to Seattle a while ago, and has since kept in close contact with some of her friends, Freddie being one of them. When Freddie and I dated, he kept telling me, "You guys would get along so well. I really hope you can meet her someday soon."

Kinsey and I had begun messaging back and forth and she informed me she would be visiting Arizona for two weeks during the Thanksgiving holiday!  I was so excited to meet her and spend so much time with her.

There's no way to describe my relationship with Kinsey. I feel like we are soul sisters; like we were best friends in a past life and when we met, it was like we were catching up right where we left off. We love the same music, have the same sense of humor, think the same. Freddie was right.

As soon as we met, she asked, "So, when are you moving to Seattle?"
I wish it were that easy. I told her if I had a job, I'd consider packing up and living there for a year or so, just to escape the frenzy of Phoenix.

So, until I finally make the decision to move up north, I will visit.

I'm sitting at my laptop, researching flights to Seattle for the third weekend of January. And I could easily afford it, without stress of getting behind. So, I ask my parents, "Should I do it?"
And they told me not to hesitate. Book that flight!

So, it's happening. I will leave for Seattle when I get off work on Friday, January 16th and I will spend all day Saturday, Sunday and Monday there and return home Monday night.
And I will be staying with Kinsey. And we will explore record stores and go to a show and grab some brunch and play in the rain and drink coffee and alcohol and sing Hozier until the cops are called.

And I couldn't be more excited.

Here's to visiting my favorite city to visit my soul sister.

24WARD: New Year's Eve

24WARD: Things to Look Forward to When I'm 24

Part Two: New Year's Eve

Believe it or not, I have not had a proper celebration of New Year's.

Since turning twenty-one, which of course makes every celebration twenty-one times better, I have spent New Year's Eve sober, alone, and miserable. Not saying that you need alcohol to or people to celebrate New Year's, but to me, it would make the celebration better.

Here's a recap of the past three New Year's Eve "celebrations"

2011 ---> 2012 

I rang in the new year at work.

I was working at a bowling alley (which ended up being the worst job I have ever worked...and I have worked A LOT of jobs) and we were told that we were running a New Year's Eve special that evening and that we were going to be so busy.

We were dead slow.

Instead of sending the people who worked that night and also had to open the next morning (aka ME) home first, they sent home people who had dead sections. Mine had actual people in them. But I didn't care: my friends were out celebrating, and if I even had the chance to leave work early to celebrate with them before hopping into bed to work the next morning, I was going to take it. I didn't leave work until 1:30am. I had to work at 8am the next day. I got home, climbed into bed (wearing my work uniform), rolled out of bed at 7:30am, and went to work my miserable bowling alley waitress job.

2012 ---> 2013

I rang in the new year reading in bed.

Since my previous year was less than satisfactory and my boyfriend was finally twenty-one with me, I had set out to celebrate with him. I had made plans to go bar hopping with him and some friends and stay at a friend's house. It was gonna be great.

Just two days before New Year's, my boyfriend informed me that he and his friend were going to Los Angeles for a few days on a road trip. 

"We are leaving the morning of the thirty-first and coming home January second. You wanna come with?"
"I work the evening on January first and a double on the second."
'Oh bummer, well have fun on New Year's."

Well, now that my plans were ruined and I wasn't invited to any New Year's parties, I grabbed some dinner at IHOP then went home and read a book while I lay in bed.

2013 ---> 2014

I rang in the new year crying in bed.

I was determined. I was going to make this New Year's better.

I had a different boyfriend. We had plans to spend it at a friend's house. It was going to be great.

Until I was scheduled 5pm-10pm on New Year's Eve and then 8am-3pm the next day.

I told my boyfriend about the work predicament and how I could come hang out after work for a couple hours before going home to bed.

"Oh, sweetie...actually this is a guy's night. You're not invited."

That's fine. I didn't wanna hang out with you on New Year's.

It turns out that on New Year's Eve, someone called out and I had to go in early. I ended up working 10am-10pm New Year's Eve, and I was so completely exhausted and new I had to work the next morning, that I went home and crawled into bed.

The entire night, my boyfriend would send me texts about how much fun he was having and how much he missed me and other pointless bullshit.

So, you can imagine my dread for this year's New Year's Eve. I almost decided to give up, because apparently I'm not meant to clink a champagne glass against my friends' glasses and drink bubbles with them. I'm not meant to sing "Auld Lang Syne" obnoxiously when the ball drops. I'm not meant to kiss the lips of someone I love when the clock strikes midnight. It's not in the cards for me.

Yesterday morning, I woke up and checked my email and Facebook notifications from the past few hours of slumber. I received a Facebook event invitation from Freddie inviting me to a New Year's Party with all his friends to his cabin.

I immediately grew with excitement. Finally! I get to go to a New Year's Party with friends and drink champagne and wine and spend the evening in a cabin away from work.

Here's to looking forward to ringing in the new year of my dreams.

24WARD: My 24th Birthday

24WARD: Things to Look Forward to When I'm 24

Part One: My Twenty-Fourth Birthday

23 has been the worst.

Between moving twice, being broken up with twice, paying rent late multiple times, losing contact with some people, and my identity being stolen, I've about had it with being 23.

Since my 23rd birthday, the anthem of the year has been "Nobody likes you when you're 23." (thanks Blink-182).

Which is why I have been looking forward to my 24th birthday for about seven months now.

With my birthday being seventeen days away, the anticipation and excitement is starting to kick in. I've never been more ready to leave behind the past and start over than now.

Having a birthday the day after Christmas has its major downfalls. 

Here is what I hear on a yearly basis:

"I'm outta town." "I have family in town." "My parents want me home with the family." "You're a Christmas baby!" "Does it suck being born near Christmas!" "Happy birthday! I hope you don't mind I combined your Christmas and birthday present into one." "Can we celebrate in January?"

*sigh*

Your birthday is the one day each year where you have the right to feel special. When you can say "Hey, look at me! I survived another year of existence! Now bow down and worship me and shower me with love!" But people don't do that. And I want people to shower me with love. Especially since this past year I've seen less love than ever.

So, if you're reading this and want to do something special for my birthday, here is my one wish:

Make me a mix.

On tape. On CD. On Spotify. On Dropbox.

Make me a mix of whatever you want, and I would love to listen to your mix.

That's it.

Here's to looking forward to being twenty-four!

January Now: Part Two

In preparation for the new year, I'm getting some new years resolutions ready now.

- Write more letters
I started this one early in the year last year, but no one wrote me back. So, I'm gonna try again. I love writing letters, but I love receiving letters more than anything. I like to include little surprises in the envelopes, like stickers or flyers or even a mix. So, if you want me to write you letters - whether you live in Arizona or out of the state - send me your address and I promise to write you.

- Wear more dresses
I have noticed that people love when I wear dresses: they notice me more, they compliment me, they are nicer to me. I have also noticed that I feel more important when I'm wearing a dress instead of my usual jeans and a tee-shirt. I have always loved the style of Zooey Deschanel, dress-wearing goddess, and noticed that it doesn't always have to be a glamorous event for me to pull one out of my closet.

- Participate in yoga
I used to do yoga when I was in high school and absolutely loved it. It was such a relief that for an hour I could forget about drama with school, work, boys, family, and the stresses of life and just stretch and breathe and let go. I know there's so many yoga studios in Phoenix, but I have only found expensive ones and want to do something cheaper and more personal, like maybe yoga in the park or with friends.

- Go to more local shows
I lost my sight of Mixtape Mandi a few months ago, and I haven't been as in-tune with the local scene as I could be. This Saturday, I'm taking my sixteen-year-old stepbrother to a local show to introduce him to the scene. I want to support locals, because they mean so much to me, so I am going to go to more local shows.

January Now: Part One

I have had to do a lot of learning and growing up to do in the past few months. This past weekend was when it all came crashing down on me. I had the most fun I have had in a long time, had some re-evaluating to do about the people in my life, went through the most drunken night (and most wicked hangover) I have had in a long time, and cried and laughed and sang my whole way through.

Now, I know it's not January yet, but sometimes resolutions can't wait, y'know? I needed to start changing some things in my life now. Other things...yeah, those can wait another month.

- Only drink alcohol on the weekends
The past few weeks, I have been drinking almost every night. Sometimes I would go out with friends and drink a lot. Sometimes, after chugging water and eating, I would drive home (which did NOT make it okay to drive home under the influence.) I have had people mocking my drinking habits, saying they think I need to slow down, and expressing concern for my health.
It wasn't until I got plastered drunk at a party on Saturday that I realized that I really do need to slow down. The events leading up to the party were stressing me out, and I had a less-than-great day with the family earlier, so I had made it my plan to drink as much as I could that night. I had six vodka-cranberries that night (two is my limit to be okay/tipsy, three makes me drunk) and I was giggling and talking with friends and having so much fun.
This is the part where I give a standing ovation applause to the person who took care of me and helped me survive: Freddie. Even though our dating relationship ended, you have been a strong supporter and best friend to me. This man carried me up the stairs to bed, gave me three glasses of water, and stroked my hair while I drunk cried to him about how sad my life was. He deserves gold stars a-plenty.
The next day, he helped nurse my hangover and told me about the prior evening. He also told me, "Mandi, you need to slow down. You can't keep using alcohol as a way to deal with pain. You're gonna hurt yourself even more." And he's right. Freddie's not always gonna be there to take care of me when I'm too drunk to walk. I need to look out for myself.

- Hang out with friends more
I have found that when I'm in a room with people I love and care about and in return love and care about me, I open up. This shy, introverted music freak lets go and converses about other people's dreams, their aspirations, why they are where they are.
It's nights when I stay home that I feel sad. Not because I don't like my home, but because I lack the excitement and elevated human interaction. At home, I relax, I decompress, I recharge. But I have found lately that I have had too much "me time", which is weird since normally I don't get even "me time". I need more "people time". I need more nights out with friends, nights out at concerts, coffee dates, road trips, and brunch dates.
When I think I need more alone time again, I will back off. But for now, bring me my friends.

- Start cooking more
This past holiday weekend, I helped my stepmom prepare some of the Thanksgiving meal: brownies, chocolate pudding pie, and mashed potatoes. The entire time I was under her instruction and supervision, but honestly, that's how I'd rather learn to cook.
When I told Jaelene I was going to two parties on Saturday and was gonna buy pie, she said "No you're not. You're making pies." So, we went to the store and bought the ingredients, then came home and peeled and cut six pounds of apples (eighteen apples, to be exact), then cooked the apple slices in lemon juice and sugar to form a caramelized sauce mixed with cinnamon and nutmeg. Then, we put the pie crust in a bowl, mixed the apples and sauce and put that in the pie crust, then folded the second pie crust over top, and baked it.
Everyone who ate my pies said they loved it, and it gave me so much gratification accomplishing something outside of music. With music, I have this notion that no matter I achieve I will accomplish, so the end reward isn't as grand as trying something new and being scared shitless you're gonna kill someone with your cooking, when in fact they like it.

- Travel more

After travelling to Seattle earlier this year, I really got the itch to travel more. And after working endlessly day-in and day-out, I have fried my brain to the point of needing a break. So, for winter break (in which I have two weeks off) I am playing an in-state road trip. Not sure where yet, or what days, or what friends I will drag with me. But I need to go.
Out of state though, I want to see more. I have the urge to discover new things and meet new people and discover new music elsewhere.
I want to visit Austin, Texas in March for SXSW festival.
I want to visit London and walk across Abbey Road and see all the sights that the Beatles talk about in their songs.
I want to visit Nashville and see the blues and rock-n-roll scene there.
I want to go to New York City and really enjoy the city life this time (last time I went was a school trip for a prestigious choral festival AKA being stuck in day-long rehearsals).
I want to visit Portland and relive the Portlandia skits.
I want to visit Toronto and discover the Canadian music scene and the inspiration behind Scott Pilgrim.
I want to revisit Vancouver.
I want to revisit my aunt in Orlando.
I want to revisit Seattle, and spend time with all the friends I have there and discover more of the city that I didn't get to last time.
My goal is to plan more getaways in 2015, so I don't feel trapped anymore.

- Start Taking Care of Your Body: Skin & Fingernails
I have been struggling with biting my fingernails for twenty-three years. This struggle has also spread into what is called excoriation disease (or dermatillomania, as it's otherwise known) where people who suffer with this pick their skin, often as a side effect of OCD or abuse. I have not been physically abused, but I pick my skin as a weird form of OCD. I have realized the harm I cause my body where I bite/pick at it, so I had acrylic nails put on to allow my fingernails to grow. This allows me to stop picking at my face as well. My dear friend Autumn has agree to help look for makeup that will help my skin, as well as I am inquiring my therapist about medicine to resist the urge to pick.