Now, I know it's not January yet, but sometimes resolutions can't wait, y'know? I needed to start changing some things in my life now. Other things...yeah, those can wait another month.
The past few weeks, I have been drinking almost every night. Sometimes I would go out with friends and drink a lot. Sometimes, after chugging water and eating, I would drive home (which did NOT make it okay to drive home under the influence.) I have had people mocking my drinking habits, saying they think I need to slow down, and expressing concern for my health.
It wasn't until I got plastered drunk at a party on Saturday that I realized that I really do need to slow down. The events leading up to the party were stressing me out, and I had a less-than-great day with the family earlier, so I had made it my plan to drink as much as I could that night. I had six vodka-cranberries that night (two is my limit to be okay/tipsy, three makes me drunk) and I was giggling and talking with friends and having so much fun.
This is the part where I give a standing ovation applause to the person who took care of me and helped me survive: Freddie. Even though our dating relationship ended, you have been a strong supporter and best friend to me. This man carried me up the stairs to bed, gave me three glasses of water, and stroked my hair while I drunk cried to him about how sad my life was. He deserves gold stars a-plenty.
The next day, he helped nurse my hangover and told me about the prior evening. He also told me, "Mandi, you need to slow down. You can't keep using alcohol as a way to deal with pain. You're gonna hurt yourself even more." And he's right. Freddie's not always gonna be there to take care of me when I'm too drunk to walk. I need to look out for myself.
I have found that when I'm in a room with people I love and care about and in return love and care about me, I open up. This shy, introverted music freak lets go and converses about other people's dreams, their aspirations, why they are where they are.
It's nights when I stay home that I feel sad. Not because I don't like my home, but because I lack the excitement and elevated human interaction. At home, I relax, I decompress, I recharge. But I have found lately that I have had too much "me time", which is weird since normally I don't get even "me time". I need more "people time". I need more nights out with friends, nights out at concerts, coffee dates, road trips, and brunch dates.
When I think I need more alone time again, I will back off. But for now, bring me my friends.
This past holiday weekend, I helped my stepmom prepare some of the Thanksgiving meal: brownies, chocolate pudding pie, and mashed potatoes. The entire time I was under her instruction and supervision, but honestly, that's how I'd rather learn to cook.
When I told Jaelene I was going to two parties on Saturday and was gonna buy pie, she said "No you're not. You're making pies." So, we went to the store and bought the ingredients, then came home and peeled and cut six pounds of apples (eighteen apples, to be exact), then cooked the apple slices in lemon juice and sugar to form a caramelized sauce mixed with cinnamon and nutmeg. Then, we put the pie crust in a bowl, mixed the apples and sauce and put that in the pie crust, then folded the second pie crust over top, and baked it.
Everyone who ate my pies said they loved it, and it gave me so much gratification accomplishing something outside of music. With music, I have this notion that no matter I achieve I will accomplish, so the end reward isn't as grand as trying something new and being scared shitless you're gonna kill someone with your cooking, when in fact they like it.
- Travel more
Out of state though, I want to see more. I have the urge to discover new things and meet new people and discover new music elsewhere.
I want to visit Austin, Texas in March for SXSW festival.
I want to visit London and walk across Abbey Road and see all the sights that the Beatles talk about in their songs.
I want to visit Nashville and see the blues and rock-n-roll scene there.
I want to go to New York City and really enjoy the city life this time (last time I went was a school trip for a prestigious choral festival AKA being stuck in day-long rehearsals).
I want to visit Portland and relive the Portlandia skits.
I want to visit Toronto and discover the Canadian music scene and the inspiration behind Scott Pilgrim.
I want to revisit Vancouver.
I want to revisit my aunt in Orlando.
I want to revisit Seattle, and spend time with all the friends I have there and discover more of the city that I didn't get to last time.
My goal is to plan more getaways in 2015, so I don't feel trapped anymore.
I have been struggling with biting my fingernails for twenty-three years. This struggle has also spread into what is called excoriation disease (or dermatillomania, as it's otherwise known) where people who suffer with this pick their skin, often as a side effect of OCD or abuse. I have not been physically abused, but I pick my skin as a weird form of OCD. I have realized the harm I cause my body where I bite/pick at it, so I had acrylic nails put on to allow my fingernails to grow. This allows me to stop picking at my face as well. My dear friend Autumn has agree to help look for makeup that will help my skin, as well as I am inquiring my therapist about medicine to resist the urge to pick.
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