Right now, I don't even know.
It has officially been a month since my life rapidly changed from doing okay to doing terrible. After a month of keeping secrets and shutting people out, it's time I let you guys know what's been happening.
It all started Monday, August 11th.
My car has been having a few maintenance problems, and on this particular morning, I walked out to my car to find that all of the oil had leaked onto the driveway. I asked my parents what I should do, and all had agreed it was not good to drive. So, my boyfriend drove me to work, my stepmom picked me up and took me back to my car where we met my dad. He filled it up with oil, took it to a garage, and my stepmom left me with her car for the next few days.
At this point, I thought my only stress was my car.
I wrestled with the decision to repair my car or retire my beloved Nissan Altima and purchase a new car. The damage was a broken time belt, which would require the entire car to be taken apart to fix, causing a price of around $2200. Before I could consider buying a new car, I had to run my credit report and see what my credit was like, as well as plan a budget. Since I had never gone through this process before, I asked my parents for help.
After running my credit report, they sat me down with worried looks on their faces.
Shit, they found out I paid rent late. I'm screwed, I'm so screwed, I thought.
Instead, it was something far worse.
My identity was stolen, against my own will, and used to take out loans with my information.
I've heard about it all the time through commercials about identity theft, but I never thought it would happen to me. And I hope it never happens to anyone.
It's incredibly hard to have to explain to debt collectors that it wasn't me who withdrew thousand of dollars towards a loan. Or that I have no idea how my name and social security number is attached to any of it.
The worst part about all this isn't the fact that my financial state is messed up. That will eventually get fixed.
It's not even the fact that my car is messed up. My grandfather generously paid to have my car repaired, and I'm making payments to him for his loan to fix my car until I can get a new one.
It's also not the fact that, on top of dealing with work and deadlines, I now also have to deal with debt collectors, lawyers, and filing a police report to fix this.
The worst part about this whole situation is that I know who did it.
This was a person who betrayed my trust, who lied to my face, and reassured me that one day everything will be okay while I was struggling to make ends meet.
Things will get better. My bad credit will be erased. My loans will get paid off. I will eventually get a new car. I will eventually be able to not be afraid to answer my phone.
But one thing that will be very difficult to get better is not a thing, but a feeling.
Security, trust, honesty. A relationship with a person I used to trust and still to this day love.
That relationship is now damaged. And it's going to take going to hell and back to fix this.
So, if I have been ignoring you, neglecting our friendship, or even been a bit difficult to be around the past few weeks, please know that it is absolutely NOTHING to do with you and EVERYTHING to do with me. If you would please send prayers, good vibes, love, hugs, anything my way, I would so greatly appreciate it. But, just so everyone knows, while I am hurting, I am working on fixing my life:
- I am currently seeing a therapist to help with the mental and emotional strain this has caused me.
- I am moving back home with my parents to save some money, as well as surround myself with people who love and support me.
- I am staying busy with work and writing to keep my mind focused and off of the situation.
- I have filed a police report to continue the investigation process that I don't have the time or energy to complete.
- I will soon be meeting with a lawyer to figure out how I can protect myself, for the present situation and future security against identity theft.
If there's one thing I can tell people about this whole situation it's that do everything in your power to protect yourself. Keep a close eye on your finances and if something looks off, say something. Speak up. Don't hide. And not just financially, but in relationships, too.Protect yourself from those who will do you wrong.
I will not allow my strength to become a victim of theft.
So, if nothing goes right, go left.
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
Monday, May 26, 2014
Mandi Goes to Seattle
Below is a journal of the adventures I encountered on my trip to Seattle. Enjoy!
I went to work like a normal day, and then afterwards picked up my luggage and headed to the airport. My grandfather was sweet enough to drive to Phoenix to bring me there and send me off. My 4:30pm flight was delayed to 5:50pm, so I spent the majority of my time at the airport sitting at La Grande Orange, blogging and charging my phone on my laptop since I didn't bring a wall charger.
I made a "newish" friend at the airport. About a year ago, Kelsey Dake from Phoenix did some artwork for Liberty Market during the renovation period. Joe Johnston, the owner and my boss, shared her Instagram handle to follow her artwork, so I followed her. It turns out, she posted a photo of her boarding pass to Seattle, which was the same flight I was on. So I mentioned on Instagram that I would be there as well, and she invited me to sit with her. We instantly clicked: we discussed our creative outlets, things we love about Phoenix, and she suggested some Seattle sights to me. On the plane, she shared some drink coupons with me.
After (finally!) landing in Seattle, I made my way to the lightrail and headed to the hotel. It was about 9:30pm when I got off the lightrail and had to find my hotel, so it was dark and frightening. I knew the general area of where to go, but I'm so used to the grid Phoenix layout, whereas Seattle is so scattered-brained with its directions. Plus, the sun was down, so how could I find east/west? Thankfully, a gentleman helped direct me of where to go. I found my hotel and checked in and found my room: IT IS SO BEAUTIFUL! (Btw, BIG PROPS go out to my dad and his lady for helping me out with a hotel and paying for it when my original place to stay fell through...you guys literally saved me!) Since it was late and I was tired, I decided to hang out in the hotel for my first night and relax. Plus, I wanted to do some research of where some places were that I wanted to go. So, I called in a pizza, turned on the TV (it's been sooooo long since I watched TV) and relaxed.
I woke up in such a dilemma: I wanted to get up and go out and adventure and begin my vacation! BUT...I also wanted to rest and snuggle in the comfortable hotel bed. I finally decided to get outta bed and get ready for my day. I half-assed my shower, knowing that it was raining, and looking good was simply not an option.
I got lost on my way to breakfast, but I finally found Top Pot Doughnuts. I bought a doughnut, a coffee, and a Beatles lullaby album, made my way upstairs, and flipped through the pages of a local culture newspaper in search of what to do this weekend.
I went roaming around the city and found a girl performing on the streets. She was playing guitar and singing with a guitar case open, and she sang "Jolene" by Dolly Parton. I left her a dollar and my business card.
I had attempted to find Sonic Boom records, but instead found their old location which is now a clothing store. The cashier was very helpful and told me where I could find a nearby record store and suggested a show I check out this weekend.
On my way to the record store, I found Stumptown Coffee, a coffee shop I had been wanting to visit for so long! We roast Stumptown coffee at Liberty Market, so it was great to finally see the shop. After having a delicious almond milk hot chocolate, I headed to Everyday Music, and I was overwhelmed! Their selection was vast and their prices were unbeatable! I found seven albums for six dollars...yes please! I talked to Hans about the local scene and his radio show on KEXP. I decided to head back to the hotel to give my feet a rest and to charge my phone. I ended up getting lost (again), but it's not so bad. Getting lost in the city is exhilarating because I love finding new things and seeing all of the sights.
After resting my feet, I decided to check out the Hard Rock Café Seattle for dinner. There, I met Justin, a wandering traveler like myself. We exchanged travel stories: he was originally on a road trip with friends before it got bad and he had to leave. He booked a flight for home (West Virginia) for the next day, and was having one last evening of vacation to himself. It was nice to have a quick "friend" for an hour or two, before we parted ways. I walked around the Pike Place Market for a bit, but it was getting late and everything was closing, so I decided to save it for another day. I headed back to the hotel, where I listened to my new music and rested for the upcoming day ahead of me.
I woke Saturday with my legs throbbing, but I wasn't going to let that stop me from another day of adventuring. I headed to the original Starbucks to grab a coffee and get some Mixtape Mandi blogging done. It was so busy! I met a couple who had told me that they usually go to the market and go to Starbucks every weekend, and she mentioned that this spot was a tourist-favorite.
After a couple hours of blogging, I packed up my stuff and headed to the Pike Place Market. It was also very busy! I wandered around and saw many fish markets and a HUGE selection of large flower bouquets, all of which were very cheap! I wish I could have bought some, or had someone to give them to. I made my way into a collectibles store, which was filled with comic books and lunch boxes and memorabilia from movies, comics, and music. I found a Ringo Starr license and had to get it (side story: my coffee name is "Ringo Starr" so now I have the identification to prove it).
After hearing all the rumours, I wanted to check out the gum wall, an entire wall with old chewing gum stuck to it. I made my way down the stairs to Point Alley when there it was: The Gum Wall! So many people were posing and sticking their gum to the wall. I asked a couple of strangers to take my photo. It's hard traveling alone because I am not in any of the photos I take, but luckily someone took my photo. I used my old gum to stick my business card to the wall.
I headed back to the hotel to rest my poor legs and figure out my plan for the next day. It was hard to believe I only had one day left! What was I going to do? I ended up having dinner at Rock Bottom Brewery, which was a block away from my hotel. There, I met Richard the bartender, who talked music with me and even gave me a suggestion of something to check out: The Experience Music Project. I decided to use my Sunday as music day: experience the music (literally) and find Sub Pop Records, a lovable independent record label that has produced albums of some of my favorite artists, such as Fleet Foxes, Band of Horses, Death Cab for Cutie, and Iron & Wine. I left the bar feeling full of food and full of sadness. I only had one day left in this beautiful city. I was not going to waste it!
Sunday, May 25
I woke up with a sad realization: today was my last day in Seattle! With no time to waste, I quickly got up, got ready, and packed my bag. I checked out of my hotel, and they were nice enough to hold my bag at the hotel for me while I roamed the city.
I headed out to find the Experience Music Project. When I arrived, the desk clerk could tell I couldn't contain my excitement. She told me all about all the exhibits I was about to see and recommended I try the audio guide, which was an iPod with tracks of music industry professionals and artists discussing the objects of the museum.
I first checked out the Nirvana exhibit, since Nirvana was such a huge musical standpoint that put Seattle on the music map. I quickly glanced through because I'm not a huge Nirvana fan, and then I headed to the Guitar Gallery. This part of the museum was a room filled with guitars spanning from the mid-1800's to today. There was a video of guitar legends, from bluegrass to rock n' roll to classic rock to jazz to blues to country. It was interesting to see the guitar used in so many genres.
After that, I went upstairs to see the Sound Lab, an interactive room that allows you to demo some of the gear and instruments used in today's audio recording studio. They had private studio rooms with instruments inside. In this exhibit, there was a huge wall with notes saying "MUSIC IS..." with answers from various people. My personal favorite simply said "MUSIC IS...YES." After the Sound Lab, I noticed a touch screen booth that asked about songs on different playlists. I clicked the screen and it asked me "What's your favorite song to dance to?" I typed in Washed Out's "It All Feels Right" and casted my vote!
The last exhibit I checked out was absolutely my favorite and spent the most time in: Spectacle, A Look at Music Videos. It explained the history of the idea of music videos and where it all began, and spanned all the way to the music videos of today. It discussed social messages in music videos, illustrations, concept videos, cinematography, animation, interactive videos (such as Arcade Fire) and some of the most creative ideas used in these videos. It was absolutely spectacular to see the history and evolution of the music video.
After the exhibit, I returned my audio guide and talked to the counter attendant, Dominic, about the Seattle music scene and his upcoming music project. I headed downstairs toward their café and enjoyed a pizza before deciding where my next destination would. I opened up my map app on my phone and typed in "Records" to find the nearest record store. Only about seven blocks away was a pop-up that read "SUB POP RECORDS"....are you kidding me?! Sub Pop is just down the street?! I packed up my things and headed toward the pop-up according to my phone and began the search for Sub Pop. What I found was a coffee shop called Uptown Espresso. I went inside and bought a hot chocolate and asked the barista if Sub Pop was close by. She had no idea what I was talking about, so I set up my laptop and did some research. Apparently, Sub Pop was on the same street just a few blocks down. So I headed that way and found the EXACT building Sub Pop is in, but you need a door code to get in. I decided that that was probably the best I could get, and headed back to the hotel to grab my bag and head to the airport.
I had heard recently that Sub Pop Records opened up a store in the Seattle airport where you can buy merchandise from the record label. I NEEDED TO FIND IT. When I got to the airport, I checked in, checked my bag, and got through security, and continued my search for Sub Pop. Luckily, all I had to do was turn the corner and there it was: the holy grail that is Sub Pop Records! I wanted to cry, but I didn't and went inside and looked around. They had T-shirts, coffee mugs, hoodies, notebooks, backpacks, stickers, magnets, stationary, and most importantly: music. You could buy albums (both CD and vinyl) in the store! I literally stood in the middle of the sales floor, staring at the wall of vinyl and happy-cried. After looking around, I picked up some stickers and a magnet from my refrigerator. I discussed music (obviously) with the cashiers, which one of them owns her own cassette label. We talked about the uprising of the music scene in Seattle, Portland (where the cassette label started), and my hometown of Phoenix.
The last part of my trip worth documenting was both comical and non-musical related. Fortunately, my flight home only had thirty-five people on board, so everyone flew comfortably. There was a single dad with his 14-month-old son on my flight, and the young boy instantly grabbed my heart. He would wave, high-five, fist-bump and smile from ear to ear. The father and I talked about going to Phoenix and talked about his son. We talked in line on the way to board, and when we arrived at the ticket counter, the lady asked me "Do you have a tag for the stroller?" I looked at the guy and the son and back at the ticketing lady and said "Oh no...that's his..." And the father jumped in and said "We're not together. We're flying separately." I was off the hook! It was so funny. Upon boarding the plane though, the little boy (who I assumed had just learned to walk) was a walking machine! The father was folding up the stroller with his bags on his shoulder and I noticed the little boy wanting to escape. I offered to hold the little boy's hand while the father got his stuff together so he wouldn't run off. Luckily, they trusted me enough to help him out. Honestly, I wasn't much of a fan of kids until about a year ago. Most of my old friends from high school now have kids, and with having a baby sister, I've learned the difficulties of parenting: you don't have a free hand or sleep or energy. I knew traveling alone for this man would be challenging, but he handled it like a champion, and so did his son.
Seattle was beautiful, and the vacation was definitely needed. I explored so much on my own and learned a lot on my trip:
1) Plan ahead.
2) Bring walking shoes.
3) Everything is expensive.
4) Don't walk on metal sewer drains when it's raining. You will slip. It will be embarrassing.
5) Being alone doesn't always mean you're lonely.
6) Saying "I have a music blog" is not news to anyone in Seattle.
7) There is great music playing EVERYWHERE.
8) Bring a phone charger wherever you go.
9) There is no use doing your hair, it's running, just throw it in a bun and call it good.
10) Don't be afraid to ask for help. People are willing to help if you just ask.
Thursday, May 22
I went to work like a normal day, and then afterwards picked up my luggage and headed to the airport. My grandfather was sweet enough to drive to Phoenix to bring me there and send me off. My 4:30pm flight was delayed to 5:50pm, so I spent the majority of my time at the airport sitting at La Grande Orange, blogging and charging my phone on my laptop since I didn't bring a wall charger.I made a "newish" friend at the airport. About a year ago, Kelsey Dake from Phoenix did some artwork for Liberty Market during the renovation period. Joe Johnston, the owner and my boss, shared her Instagram handle to follow her artwork, so I followed her. It turns out, she posted a photo of her boarding pass to Seattle, which was the same flight I was on. So I mentioned on Instagram that I would be there as well, and she invited me to sit with her. We instantly clicked: we discussed our creative outlets, things we love about Phoenix, and she suggested some Seattle sights to me. On the plane, she shared some drink coupons with me.After (finally!) landing in Seattle, I made my way to the lightrail and headed to the hotel. It was about 9:30pm when I got off the lightrail and had to find my hotel, so it was dark and frightening. I knew the general area of where to go, but I'm so used to the grid Phoenix layout, whereas Seattle is so scattered-brained with its directions. Plus, the sun was down, so how could I find east/west? Thankfully, a gentleman helped direct me of where to go. I found my hotel and checked in and found my room: IT IS SO BEAUTIFUL! (Btw, BIG PROPS go out to my dad and his lady for helping me out with a hotel and paying for it when my original place to stay fell through...you guys literally saved me!) Since it was late and I was tired, I decided to hang out in the hotel for my first night and relax. Plus, I wanted to do some research of where some places were that I wanted to go. So, I called in a pizza, turned on the TV (it's been sooooo long since I watched TV) and relaxed.
Friday, May 23
I woke up in such a dilemma: I wanted to get up and go out and adventure and begin my vacation! BUT...I also wanted to rest and snuggle in the comfortable hotel bed. I finally decided to get outta bed and get ready for my day. I half-assed my shower, knowing that it was raining, and looking good was simply not an option.I went roaming around the city and found a girl performing on the streets. She was playing guitar and singing with a guitar case open, and she sang "Jolene" by Dolly Parton. I left her a dollar and my business card.I had attempted to find Sonic Boom records, but instead found their old location which is now a clothing store. The cashier was very helpful and told me where I could find a nearby record store and suggested a show I check out this weekend.
On my way to the record store, I found Stumptown Coffee, a coffee shop I had been wanting to visit for so long! We roast Stumptown coffee at Liberty Market, so it was great to finally see the shop. After having a delicious almond milk hot chocolate, I headed to Everyday Music, and I was overwhelmed! Their selection was vast and their prices were unbeatable! I found seven albums for six dollars...yes please! I talked to Hans about the local scene and his radio show on KEXP. I decided to head back to the hotel to give my feet a rest and to charge my phone. I ended up getting lost (again), but it's not so bad. Getting lost in the city is exhilarating because I love finding new things and seeing all of the sights.After resting my feet, I decided to check out the Hard Rock Café Seattle for dinner. There, I met Justin, a wandering traveler like myself. We exchanged travel stories: he was originally on a road trip with friends before it got bad and he had to leave. He booked a flight for home (West Virginia) for the next day, and was having one last evening of vacation to himself. It was nice to have a quick "friend" for an hour or two, before we parted ways. I walked around the Pike Place Market for a bit, but it was getting late and everything was closing, so I decided to save it for another day. I headed back to the hotel, where I listened to my new music and rested for the upcoming day ahead of me.
Saturday, May 24
I woke Saturday with my legs throbbing, but I wasn't going to let that stop me from another day of adventuring. I headed to the original Starbucks to grab a coffee and get some Mixtape Mandi blogging done. It was so busy! I met a couple who had told me that they usually go to the market and go to Starbucks every weekend, and she mentioned that this spot was a tourist-favorite. After a couple hours of blogging, I packed up my stuff and headed to the Pike Place Market. It was also very busy! I wandered around and saw many fish markets and a HUGE selection of large flower bouquets, all of which were very cheap! I wish I could have bought some, or had someone to give them to. I made my way into a collectibles store, which was filled with comic books and lunch boxes and memorabilia from movies, comics, and music. I found a Ringo Starr license and had to get it (side story: my coffee name is "Ringo Starr" so now I have the identification to prove it). After hearing all the rumours, I wanted to check out the gum wall, an entire wall with old chewing gum stuck to it. I made my way down the stairs to Point Alley when there it was: The Gum Wall! So many people were posing and sticking their gum to the wall. I asked a couple of strangers to take my photo. It's hard traveling alone because I am not in any of the photos I take, but luckily someone took my photo. I used my old gum to stick my business card to the wall.I headed back to the hotel to rest my poor legs and figure out my plan for the next day. It was hard to believe I only had one day left! What was I going to do? I ended up having dinner at Rock Bottom Brewery, which was a block away from my hotel. There, I met Richard the bartender, who talked music with me and even gave me a suggestion of something to check out: The Experience Music Project. I decided to use my Sunday as music day: experience the music (literally) and find Sub Pop Records, a lovable independent record label that has produced albums of some of my favorite artists, such as Fleet Foxes, Band of Horses, Death Cab for Cutie, and Iron & Wine. I left the bar feeling full of food and full of sadness. I only had one day left in this beautiful city. I was not going to waste it!
Sunday, May 25I headed out to find the Experience Music Project. When I arrived, the desk clerk could tell I couldn't contain my excitement. She told me all about all the exhibits I was about to see and recommended I try the audio guide, which was an iPod with tracks of music industry professionals and artists discussing the objects of the museum.I first checked out the Nirvana exhibit, since Nirvana was such a huge musical standpoint that put Seattle on the music map. I quickly glanced through because I'm not a huge Nirvana fan, and then I headed to the Guitar Gallery. This part of the museum was a room filled with guitars spanning from the mid-1800's to today. There was a video of guitar legends, from bluegrass to rock n' roll to classic rock to jazz to blues to country. It was interesting to see the guitar used in so many genres.
After that, I went upstairs to see the Sound Lab, an interactive room that allows you to demo some of the gear and instruments used in today's audio recording studio. They had private studio rooms with instruments inside. In this exhibit, there was a huge wall with notes saying "MUSIC IS..." with answers from various people. My personal favorite simply said "MUSIC IS...YES." After the Sound Lab, I noticed a touch screen booth that asked about songs on different playlists. I clicked the screen and it asked me "What's your favorite song to dance to?" I typed in Washed Out's "It All Feels Right" and casted my vote!The last exhibit I checked out was absolutely my favorite and spent the most time in: Spectacle, A Look at Music Videos. It explained the history of the idea of music videos and where it all began, and spanned all the way to the music videos of today. It discussed social messages in music videos, illustrations, concept videos, cinematography, animation, interactive videos (such as Arcade Fire) and some of the most creative ideas used in these videos. It was absolutely spectacular to see the history and evolution of the music video.
After the exhibit, I returned my audio guide and talked to the counter attendant, Dominic, about the Seattle music scene and his upcoming music project. I headed downstairs toward their café and enjoyed a pizza before deciding where my next destination would. I opened up my map app on my phone and typed in "Records" to find the nearest record store. Only about seven blocks away was a pop-up that read "SUB POP RECORDS"....are you kidding me?! Sub Pop is just down the street?! I packed up my things and headed toward the pop-up according to my phone and began the search for Sub Pop. What I found was a coffee shop called Uptown Espresso. I went inside and bought a hot chocolate and asked the barista if Sub Pop was close by. She had no idea what I was talking about, so I set up my laptop and did some research. Apparently, Sub Pop was on the same street just a few blocks down. So I headed that way and found the EXACT building Sub Pop is in, but you need a door code to get in. I decided that that was probably the best I could get, and headed back to the hotel to grab my bag and head to the airport.I had heard recently that Sub Pop Records opened up a store in the Seattle airport where you can buy merchandise from the record label. I NEEDED TO FIND IT. When I got to the airport, I checked in, checked my bag, and got through security, and continued my search for Sub Pop. Luckily, all I had to do was turn the corner and there it was: the holy grail that is Sub Pop Records! I wanted to cry, but I didn't and went inside and looked around. They had T-shirts, coffee mugs, hoodies, notebooks, backpacks, stickers, magnets, stationary, and most importantly: music. You could buy albums (both CD and vinyl) in the store! I literally stood in the middle of the sales floor, staring at the wall of vinyl and happy-cried. After looking around, I picked up some stickers and a magnet from my refrigerator. I discussed music (obviously) with the cashiers, which one of them owns her own cassette label. We talked about the uprising of the music scene in Seattle, Portland (where the cassette label started), and my hometown of Phoenix. The last part of my trip worth documenting was both comical and non-musical related. Fortunately, my flight home only had thirty-five people on board, so everyone flew comfortably. There was a single dad with his 14-month-old son on my flight, and the young boy instantly grabbed my heart. He would wave, high-five, fist-bump and smile from ear to ear. The father and I talked about going to Phoenix and talked about his son. We talked in line on the way to board, and when we arrived at the ticket counter, the lady asked me "Do you have a tag for the stroller?" I looked at the guy and the son and back at the ticketing lady and said "Oh no...that's his..." And the father jumped in and said "We're not together. We're flying separately." I was off the hook! It was so funny. Upon boarding the plane though, the little boy (who I assumed had just learned to walk) was a walking machine! The father was folding up the stroller with his bags on his shoulder and I noticed the little boy wanting to escape. I offered to hold the little boy's hand while the father got his stuff together so he wouldn't run off. Luckily, they trusted me enough to help him out. Honestly, I wasn't much of a fan of kids until about a year ago. Most of my old friends from high school now have kids, and with having a baby sister, I've learned the difficulties of parenting: you don't have a free hand or sleep or energy. I knew traveling alone for this man would be challenging, but he handled it like a champion, and so did his son.Seattle was beautiful, and the vacation was definitely needed. I explored so much on my own and learned a lot on my trip:
1) Plan ahead.
2) Bring walking shoes.
3) Everything is expensive.
4) Don't walk on metal sewer drains when it's raining. You will slip. It will be embarrassing.
5) Being alone doesn't always mean you're lonely.
6) Saying "I have a music blog" is not news to anyone in Seattle.
7) There is great music playing EVERYWHERE.
8) Bring a phone charger wherever you go.
9) There is no use doing your hair, it's running, just throw it in a bun and call it good.
10) Don't be afraid to ask for help. People are willing to help if you just ask.
Friday, May 9, 2014
One Year Post-Graduation: Time to Freak Out
Today, I had crazy emotionally-draining day. I had spent all day in my car, stinky and sweaty because of the heat. I had spent all day crying and wiping snot from my nose and trying to find the air to breathe and put words together. I was the epitome of a hot mess.
I had made friends to meet with a friend later, and I was in his part of town for most of the day. I didn't want to drive home and then drive back, so I was looking for somewhere to campout momentarily until he was finished with his tasks to hang out with me. Since he lives near Mesa Community College, I figured I would go to my old stomping grounds and hang out in the coffee shop to use the WiFi and maybe score a coffee from Austin. I pulled into the parking lot and noticed the whole lot was entirely packed. What the hell was going on at MCC tonight?
GRADUATION.
(By the way, I got outta that parking lot fast.)
Had it already been a whole year since I graduated college? Where had the time gone? What had I accomplished with my life since walking across the stage, accepting my degree, and bowing before the principal?
Well, if you remember my first blog post, I had quite a whirlwind of a first few couple months of 2013, and an even crazier rest of the year. 2014 hasn't looked promising either.
Yet, in my failures and despairs, I have to remember the great things:
I found a job in my field of study. A paying job. People keep asking me how my internship with Danny is going, and I always tell them "No, I get paid for my work, sucker." Sure, it's still part time and I never know what to expect when I walk into the office, but that's half the excitement of my job.
I moved to Phoenix. I live in a fast-paced city where music and art and culture are thriving. I'm constantly meeting new people who have fascinating projects going on, and most of them live near me. Sure, it's more expensive than living in Tempe, but it beats living with other people and dealing with Tempe hoodrats.
I have established Mixtape Mandi. Nothing makes me more proud than my project, which I love showing off and telling people about. I have a thing, I do things, I blog things. Music things. And I love what I do. Sure, it's all free work, but I hope to change that soon. Mixtape Mandi got some bills to pay and music to buy.
I have the best family in the world. Well, maybe in the entire world, I'm sure you're family is great, too. But my family is perfect for me. They have always been my constant support system and have been there for me for every blog post, every laundry night, every late night getaway, every bill I have gotten behind in paying, and every last minute emergency. I could not ask for a better combination of people to be my family.
I have some truly awesome people as friends. In the past year, I've managed to keep old friends, lose friends to unfortunate but necessary circumstances, and gain new friendships. I'd say in the past year, I've met so many new people that I can't even begin to count all the new friendships I've made.
I'm still alive. It's true, I have to thank God for every day I wake up, every meal I eat, and every breath I take. Without Him, I am nothing. Without Him, nothing I do matters. He put this fire in me to pursue music and touch others' lives and to inspire others to chase their dreams. I'm by no means successful, but I'm a child of God, and that's more precious than riches.
So, why was I so emotional earlier? I was behind on a bill, and my family came together to help me. Looking back, I really didn't need to freak out. It's been a year since graduating college; did I really think I'd have it all figured out by now? If anything, twenty-three is harder than twenty-two.
I just gotta keep tellin' myself the same thing:
Keep your head up, Mandi. There's a lotta people out there rootin' for you.
I had made friends to meet with a friend later, and I was in his part of town for most of the day. I didn't want to drive home and then drive back, so I was looking for somewhere to campout momentarily until he was finished with his tasks to hang out with me. Since he lives near Mesa Community College, I figured I would go to my old stomping grounds and hang out in the coffee shop to use the WiFi and maybe score a coffee from Austin. I pulled into the parking lot and noticed the whole lot was entirely packed. What the hell was going on at MCC tonight?
GRADUATION.
(By the way, I got outta that parking lot fast.)
Had it already been a whole year since I graduated college? Where had the time gone? What had I accomplished with my life since walking across the stage, accepting my degree, and bowing before the principal?
Well, if you remember my first blog post, I had quite a whirlwind of a first few couple months of 2013, and an even crazier rest of the year. 2014 hasn't looked promising either.
Yet, in my failures and despairs, I have to remember the great things:
I found a job in my field of study. A paying job. People keep asking me how my internship with Danny is going, and I always tell them "No, I get paid for my work, sucker." Sure, it's still part time and I never know what to expect when I walk into the office, but that's half the excitement of my job.
I moved to Phoenix. I live in a fast-paced city where music and art and culture are thriving. I'm constantly meeting new people who have fascinating projects going on, and most of them live near me. Sure, it's more expensive than living in Tempe, but it beats living with other people and dealing with Tempe hoodrats.
I have established Mixtape Mandi. Nothing makes me more proud than my project, which I love showing off and telling people about. I have a thing, I do things, I blog things. Music things. And I love what I do. Sure, it's all free work, but I hope to change that soon. Mixtape Mandi got some bills to pay and music to buy.
I have the best family in the world. Well, maybe in the entire world, I'm sure you're family is great, too. But my family is perfect for me. They have always been my constant support system and have been there for me for every blog post, every laundry night, every late night getaway, every bill I have gotten behind in paying, and every last minute emergency. I could not ask for a better combination of people to be my family.
I have some truly awesome people as friends. In the past year, I've managed to keep old friends, lose friends to unfortunate but necessary circumstances, and gain new friendships. I'd say in the past year, I've met so many new people that I can't even begin to count all the new friendships I've made.
I'm still alive. It's true, I have to thank God for every day I wake up, every meal I eat, and every breath I take. Without Him, I am nothing. Without Him, nothing I do matters. He put this fire in me to pursue music and touch others' lives and to inspire others to chase their dreams. I'm by no means successful, but I'm a child of God, and that's more precious than riches.
So, why was I so emotional earlier? I was behind on a bill, and my family came together to help me. Looking back, I really didn't need to freak out. It's been a year since graduating college; did I really think I'd have it all figured out by now? If anything, twenty-three is harder than twenty-two.
I just gotta keep tellin' myself the same thing:
Keep your head up, Mandi. There's a lotta people out there rootin' for you.
Thursday, May 1, 2014
Seattle, Here I Come!
When I graduated college a year ago, my dad and his girlfriend gifted me with a $250 Southwest Airline credit. Finally, a vacation! I was so excited to use the credit that I made a list of places I had wanted to go, and the list was long! Over the past year, I constantly found ways I could go on vacation, but something always got in the way. Actually, last summer at Liberty Market, everyone took a trip over the break, except for me. I spent my entire summer working, which was nice for my paychecks, but sucked for my sanity.
A few weeks ago I had my wisdom teeth pulled. I don't know if it was the combination of the medicine I was taking, the lack of food in my tummy, or the sheer boredom of not being able to do anything, but that weekend I booked my flight for Seattle for Thursday May 22 through Sunday May 25. STEP ONE WAS COMPLETE!
Now comes the reality: What am I going to do in Seattle? I have never been, but I knew I wanted to scope out the music scene. I want to check out record stores, a local show at a cool venue, hip coffee shops where I can blog. What are some Seattle "must"s for this music lover?
Also, another big wake-up call: Where am I going to stay? I have a few friends in Seattle, but most of them are musicians and almost always touring. If you know someone who wouldn't mind a petite redhead on their couch, hook a soul sister up. I'm also trying to spend as little money as possible.
And another thing: How am I going to get around town? Living in Phoenix, everyone drives, or if they don't own a car, they ride the bus, the lightrail, or a bike. Since I've never been to Seattle, I'm not sure what their big form of getting around town is. I'm not old enough to rent a car, so public transit is my only option.
I cannot wait to explore new territory and get away from Phoenix for a weekend. This vacation has been a long-time coming and I want to enjoy every minute of it. If you can help in anyway with this trip, please let me know. Any help is very much appreciated!
A few weeks ago I had my wisdom teeth pulled. I don't know if it was the combination of the medicine I was taking, the lack of food in my tummy, or the sheer boredom of not being able to do anything, but that weekend I booked my flight for Seattle for Thursday May 22 through Sunday May 25. STEP ONE WAS COMPLETE!
Now comes the reality: What am I going to do in Seattle? I have never been, but I knew I wanted to scope out the music scene. I want to check out record stores, a local show at a cool venue, hip coffee shops where I can blog. What are some Seattle "must"s for this music lover?
Also, another big wake-up call: Where am I going to stay? I have a few friends in Seattle, but most of them are musicians and almost always touring. If you know someone who wouldn't mind a petite redhead on their couch, hook a soul sister up. I'm also trying to spend as little money as possible.
And another thing: How am I going to get around town? Living in Phoenix, everyone drives, or if they don't own a car, they ride the bus, the lightrail, or a bike. Since I've never been to Seattle, I'm not sure what their big form of getting around town is. I'm not old enough to rent a car, so public transit is my only option.
I cannot wait to explore new territory and get away from Phoenix for a weekend. This vacation has been a long-time coming and I want to enjoy every minute of it. If you can help in anyway with this trip, please let me know. Any help is very much appreciated!
Sunday, March 9, 2014
Marriage is a Scary Thing
Yesterday, at 1:30 in the afternoon on one of the most gorgeous days Arizona has blessed us with, my boyfriend took me to a park where we would discuss our future plans. Instead of what I had hoped would happen (that is, our plans aligning), it was brought to both of attentions that our plans are, in fact, different.
Let me back up.
From September 2008 to February 2012, I dated my high school sweetheart. Being together for over four years starts to raise concern: is our love the same now when we started dating? Is he ever going to propose? Does he even want to be with me? Or is he with me because it's "comfortable" and to break up would be a bother? Eventually, our relationship became tense and we grew angry with each other and he broke up with me because we changed so much over the course of four years, and our plans no longer aligned. He didn't want to marry me, and all I wanted was a future with him.
Three months later, I meet Matt. If you remember my blog posts and Instagram pictures, you'll remember how hard I fell in love with him. The first month was the best: we went to concerts, introduced each other to new places, listened to music we both loved (and hated). It was summertime and the heat was rising and the sunsets were beautiful and I was on fire. I knew meeting Matt was something special.
It's been over nine months. We were stuck with the realization that those people are gone and it's time to move forward. Where are you gonna work next year? Where are you gonna live next year? What are your goals--musically and career-wise? And then the big one: do you see a future with me?
He said no, he didn't.
I don't understand. I was just here last year. Why do I keep getting "stuck" in these relationships that don't go anywhere? Am I not marriage-material? Do I not possess "wife" qualities?
Then I thought about something: what is marriage? Why did I hold it so important in my head? Why is marriage my ultimate goal?
Maybe it was the way I was raised. My parents divorced when I was ten years old. My mom has since remarried and tried to make things work, while my dad will never remarry again and has a new baby girl with his girlfriend. Now, I understand my family life is the furthest thing from normal. Maybe I was exposed to the downfall of marriage early in life. Since elementary school, I was stuck in the middle of divorce, custody battles, switching between houses for weekends and holidays and birthdays.
Maybe I wanted to get married to prove something to my family.
I also factor in that I am 23 years old and all my girlfriends are at the age where they are either engaged, married, having their first child, and, for some, their second child. And I look at where I am in my life: living in a small apartment in Phoenix, running a music blog that doesn't generate any income whatsoever, barely being able to afford all my bills, and spending my free time at record stores or concerts or coffee shops. Am I still stuck in college? Is there a deadline for when I need to settle down? How am I gonna catch up to these ladies who seem to understand life better than I do?
Maybe I wanted to get married to fit in.
If there's one thing I planned for my future, it's that I wanted to marry Matt. Not even last a year or two, move in together, take a vacation together. I wanted to marry him. But, is that really what I wanted? Or did I want the Klassen last name? Did I want the fancy wedding to invite all of our friends and dress up nice and exchange vows and have one wicked party? Did I want the joint bank account and the tax benefits and the sharing of everything?
Because, honestly, once you're married, nothing (romantically) changes. We would still watch Battlestar Galactica together. We would still go to concerts and buy records. We would still go to work, come home, eat dinner at one of our favorite restaurants, and go to bed. As far as our dating life is concerned, marriage isn't anything special. It's the same two people, just with rings on their fingers and a marriage license, and a different last name for the girl.
Maybe I didn't want to get married at all.
Maybe I just wanted to look forward to the fact that for, at least a little while longer, I could still enjoy our favorite things together. For just a little while longer, we could have each other. That is, until he decided what his plans were and moved on.
To all of you who loved me and Matt as much as I loved us, know that I never expected this to happen and that I wish I could fix this. But there's really nothing I could do, and that's what kills me. I'm sorry we didn't work out. I wanted so badly for us to work out. I'm really going to miss him and getting over him is going to be tough.
But maybe this is my wake up call. Wake up, Mandi: you're 23 years old, you're in the beginning stages of your career, and if there's one thing you learned in the last year, it's this.
Don't build your current happiness and future plans on someone else.
I did that with Austin. I did that with Matt. And now here I am: no man to call my own and I am a mess. I invested too much in my relationships and lost a bit of myself in trying to be what he wants me to be so he can keep me. But, what I really need to do is find the things that make ME happy, without anyone else around. Make future plans that are specific to ME, and if no one agrees with me or my plans, then they don't need to be there. I need to focus on Mandi again. It's going to take time and a lot of music to get over this breakup. But, I will rise again.
Let me back up.
From September 2008 to February 2012, I dated my high school sweetheart. Being together for over four years starts to raise concern: is our love the same now when we started dating? Is he ever going to propose? Does he even want to be with me? Or is he with me because it's "comfortable" and to break up would be a bother? Eventually, our relationship became tense and we grew angry with each other and he broke up with me because we changed so much over the course of four years, and our plans no longer aligned. He didn't want to marry me, and all I wanted was a future with him.
Three months later, I meet Matt. If you remember my blog posts and Instagram pictures, you'll remember how hard I fell in love with him. The first month was the best: we went to concerts, introduced each other to new places, listened to music we both loved (and hated). It was summertime and the heat was rising and the sunsets were beautiful and I was on fire. I knew meeting Matt was something special.
It's been over nine months. We were stuck with the realization that those people are gone and it's time to move forward. Where are you gonna work next year? Where are you gonna live next year? What are your goals--musically and career-wise? And then the big one: do you see a future with me?
He said no, he didn't.
I don't understand. I was just here last year. Why do I keep getting "stuck" in these relationships that don't go anywhere? Am I not marriage-material? Do I not possess "wife" qualities?
Then I thought about something: what is marriage? Why did I hold it so important in my head? Why is marriage my ultimate goal?
Maybe it was the way I was raised. My parents divorced when I was ten years old. My mom has since remarried and tried to make things work, while my dad will never remarry again and has a new baby girl with his girlfriend. Now, I understand my family life is the furthest thing from normal. Maybe I was exposed to the downfall of marriage early in life. Since elementary school, I was stuck in the middle of divorce, custody battles, switching between houses for weekends and holidays and birthdays.
Maybe I wanted to get married to prove something to my family.
I also factor in that I am 23 years old and all my girlfriends are at the age where they are either engaged, married, having their first child, and, for some, their second child. And I look at where I am in my life: living in a small apartment in Phoenix, running a music blog that doesn't generate any income whatsoever, barely being able to afford all my bills, and spending my free time at record stores or concerts or coffee shops. Am I still stuck in college? Is there a deadline for when I need to settle down? How am I gonna catch up to these ladies who seem to understand life better than I do?
Maybe I wanted to get married to fit in.
If there's one thing I planned for my future, it's that I wanted to marry Matt. Not even last a year or two, move in together, take a vacation together. I wanted to marry him. But, is that really what I wanted? Or did I want the Klassen last name? Did I want the fancy wedding to invite all of our friends and dress up nice and exchange vows and have one wicked party? Did I want the joint bank account and the tax benefits and the sharing of everything?
Because, honestly, once you're married, nothing (romantically) changes. We would still watch Battlestar Galactica together. We would still go to concerts and buy records. We would still go to work, come home, eat dinner at one of our favorite restaurants, and go to bed. As far as our dating life is concerned, marriage isn't anything special. It's the same two people, just with rings on their fingers and a marriage license, and a different last name for the girl.
Maybe I didn't want to get married at all.
Maybe I just wanted to look forward to the fact that for, at least a little while longer, I could still enjoy our favorite things together. For just a little while longer, we could have each other. That is, until he decided what his plans were and moved on.
To all of you who loved me and Matt as much as I loved us, know that I never expected this to happen and that I wish I could fix this. But there's really nothing I could do, and that's what kills me. I'm sorry we didn't work out. I wanted so badly for us to work out. I'm really going to miss him and getting over him is going to be tough.
But maybe this is my wake up call. Wake up, Mandi: you're 23 years old, you're in the beginning stages of your career, and if there's one thing you learned in the last year, it's this.
Don't build your current happiness and future plans on someone else.
I did that with Austin. I did that with Matt. And now here I am: no man to call my own and I am a mess. I invested too much in my relationships and lost a bit of myself in trying to be what he wants me to be so he can keep me. But, what I really need to do is find the things that make ME happy, without anyone else around. Make future plans that are specific to ME, and if no one agrees with me or my plans, then they don't need to be there. I need to focus on Mandi again. It's going to take time and a lot of music to get over this breakup. But, I will rise again.
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Why I believe in God, but don't go to church
**some names have been changed for protection purposes
I was raised in a Christian household. My parents took us to church where I was involved in children's choir for a while. After my parents divorced, both of my parents stopped going to church, so that meant my sister and I also stopped.
When I was around twelve years old, my mom started going back to church at Gateway Fellowship, a southern baptist church in Gilbert. After I saw her life get back together through this church, I started going, and then eventually my grandparents and my sister.
I was heavily involved in Gateway. I did choir, AWANAs, Bible Quiz Team, led worship in the youth ministry, performed in weekend services and yearly musicals, helped in the nursery, led Bible study, went to church camp, went on mission trips. I did it all. It was through Gateway that I went to Centrifuge, a Christian summer camp, for six years in a row.
I went to Gateway until I was sixteen. Why did I leave?
My mother had met a man at Gateway named Ben who was growing through a rough divorce. His wife was literally psycho. Since my mother had gone through divorce, Ben had asked for help as far as prayer, filing divorce papers, finding a place to live, etc. They spent time together, and after their divorce was finalized, they began a relationship.
Note: my mother did not end their marriage. Their marriage was already ended before they engaged in a relationship. My mother did not plan on falling for Ben in the process, but it happened.
Ben's family was very involved in the church, both physically (like I was) and financially. They spread rumors about my mother being a "homewrecker". Kids in youth group would corner me and tease me, asking why my mother would destroy a marriage. As if I had any clue.
It got to the point where my family no longer felt safe at church. So, we left and fund a new church.
We started going to Sun Valley Community Church in Gilbert. I actually like this church pretty well. I went to youth group every week and participated in the worship band. I started dating a guy in the youth group as well who was a couple years older than me. I was sixteen, he was eighteen, and we were madly in love...at least we thought we were, (you knowhow dramatic high school kids are). A few months into our relationship, I found out he cheated on me with my best friend. Most of the youth group knew. I was so embarrassed and ashamed of our relationship that I left.
I stopped going to church for about a year. At this point I was not a fan. Then, I met Austin.
Before Austin and I started dating, he invited me to his church to watch him play guitar in the church band. I woke up one Sunday morning and made my way to his church: Mission Community Church in Gilbert. This church was the mother church of all churches...at least in the East Valley. Most of the kids in my high school went to Mission.
When Austin and I started dating, I went to Mission regularly. I, once again, joined the worship band and performed in the junior high and high school services. When I entered college, I started going to the college group Ember. I became involved in their band, and eventually became a small group leader. I was all about this Mission church.
Then something happened that changed my whole idea of church to the point where I decided not to do church anymore. And it's all thanks to Mission for opening my eyes to this problem.
A friend of mine, Renee, came home from Canada after being gone for a while. Her husband would come down later that year after his visa expired. Since she didn't know hardly anyone anymore, Austin and I brought her to Ember. She made friends and felt so welcome.
One of the friends she made was Steven, who welcomed her into the church. They hung out a lot. Until it became obvious that they liked each other.
Renee felt guilty, because she still loved her husband. She didn't want a divorce, she just wanted these feelings for Steven to go away without ruining their friendship. She brought it up to Steven and he agreed that they should probably leave their friendship alone for a little bit until things died down.
However, Steven went to the lead pastor asking for guidance, and claimed that "Renee is coming onto me and I don't know what to do because she's married and being unloyal to her husband and blah blah blah."
Do you think the pastor asked Renee about the issue? No, he did not.
Instead, he asked her to leave the church, because adulteresses don't belong in their church.
He didn't offer to pray with her. e didn't offer marriage counseling. He didn't offer the helping hand of The Lord. Instead, he kicked her out.
This act of pushing a sinner away caused me to leave. I looked back at my church experience, and realized that people had always brought sin up to the sinner's face and held it over their head instead of offering forgiveness or a helping hand.
We're all sinners. There's no perfect person. So, what makes you more perfect than my mother, my cheating boyfriend, my friend, or me?
I believe in The Lord Jesus Christ. I have a personal relationship with him. He is my Father, I am His daughter, and I live my life for Him. I meet with a friend to do Bible study every so often. I read my Bible every day, and pray whenever I'm happy, sad, need guidance, or raising blessings up to him.
I don't need church to have a relationship with Jesus. In fact, I'm not sure if I will ever return to church. And that is totally okay with me.
Why do I bring this up, you ask? Why, all of a sudden, do I give you my background on church and rant about the fall and hypocracy of church?
Because the lead pastor who accused my friend of cheating on her husband and personally asked her to leave his church has now been accused of cheating on his wife with church members. And he admitted to it.
And people are praying for him. And offering him guidance. And reaching out the hand of Christ.
Because he's a pastor. And, apparently, that makes him more worthy of forgiveness than my friend.
While I am furious at his actions and his sin and his behavior towards my friend; while I sit back and think about how bad karma is; while I so badly want to say "ha ha you sinned!"
I am still going to pray for him and his family.
Beause that's what you do when a member of the church falls. You help them back up. You pray for the sinners. You offer the hand of The Lord and treat them with kindness, just as Jesus would.
"Is anyone among you in trouble? Let them pray. Is anyone happy? Let them sing songs of praise. Is anyone among you sick? Let them call the elders of the church to pray over them and anoint them with oil in the name of The Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; The Lord will raise them up. If they have sinned, they wlill be forgiven. Therefore, confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective." - James 5:13-16
Saturday, January 4, 2014
Clothing Swap Party
So, I've had this idea to do a clothing swap party for close to three years now. And it's still never happened. Here's what I envision:
Girlfriends of mine and their girlfriends will donate clothes they don't want anymore. Not T-shirts and cut-off shorts kinda clothes. Like nice, gently worn, no holes or stains kinda clothes. I collect the donations from friends and host a clothing swap party, where girls come over and flip through racks of gently-worn, nice clothes and walk away with something new.
The best part? Girls who donate get to come to the party and shop for free.
Girls who come to the party and didn't donate pay a small price that the original owner states. Nothing too expensive. Maybe like five dollars or whatever.
And not just clothes either! Shoes, jewelry, purses, belts, scarves, hats, etc. Bring anything that's lying in your closet that you don't wear anymore that could go to another cute owner.
So, ladies, what do you think? Is this something you'd be interested in assisting me with? I'd love to host something like this, but I would need your donations, your presence, and your support. Leave a comment below.
Girlfriends of mine and their girlfriends will donate clothes they don't want anymore. Not T-shirts and cut-off shorts kinda clothes. Like nice, gently worn, no holes or stains kinda clothes. I collect the donations from friends and host a clothing swap party, where girls come over and flip through racks of gently-worn, nice clothes and walk away with something new.
The best part? Girls who donate get to come to the party and shop for free.
Girls who come to the party and didn't donate pay a small price that the original owner states. Nothing too expensive. Maybe like five dollars or whatever.
And not just clothes either! Shoes, jewelry, purses, belts, scarves, hats, etc. Bring anything that's lying in your closet that you don't wear anymore that could go to another cute owner.
So, ladies, what do you think? Is this something you'd be interested in assisting me with? I'd love to host something like this, but I would need your donations, your presence, and your support. Leave a comment below.
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