Keep Calm & Feel Infinite

Around the middle of February, I fell into a deep pit of depression. Like, DEEP. I remained in this pit for three months. Three months of forcing myself out of bed to go to school and push my way to graduating, forcing myself out of bed to go to work, scheduling time out of my house so I didn't lay in bed and cry, going to church and Bible study with friends to give myself hope, and trying to find reasons to not kill myself. Trust me, guys: it was bad.

I'd say I got better after I graduated college. Not that I hated college. I loved it. I miss learning and challenging myself. But my last semester was tough. And, honestly, I just wanted to graduate and get my degree. After I graduated, I had so much free time. It was something to get used to. I have always been busy, always had an assignment, always trying to impress someone. Now, I was free.

Not only had I just graduated college, but I also ended a four-year relationship and quit my band. So many things in my life were ending. It was time for a new beginning. A new Mandi.

I can say now that I'm 100% better. I wake up everyday happy. This post is not too rub it in your face like "LOOK HOW AWESOME MY LIFE IS WHILE YOUR LIFE IS SO SUCKY". That is not my intention at all. This post is to remind me (and you) that these moments of pure happiness don't always last, so it's best to count your blessings while they're happening before they're gone and you've missed the blessing completely. Also, this post is for the people who had to sit and watch me suffer and stood by my side. This is to show you that I'm okay now, and it's thanks to you guys. You know who you are.

So, without further ado (adieu?), my list of blessings:


1. I am blessed with an amazing family. My family is scattered across the state, from Gilbert to Chandler to Rio Rico (and previously Prescott). I also have some family in California, Florida, Missouri, and Oregon. Even though my family is separated, I still feel the love. My parents in Rio Rico still support me even if they're three hours away. My sister and I are starting to become closer now that we don't live together. I have gotten closer to my dad and his girlfriend and her kids. Which brings me to my next blessing...

2. I am blessed to become a big sister once again. My dad and his girlfriend are now 12 weeks pregnant with a baby girl. I never thought that at 22 years old, I would have another sibling! It's so exciting, you have no idea. I know they have been trying for a child for a while now, and I'm so happy that it's finally happening. This pregnancy has also brought the two families together. We are now a family of "yours, mine, and ours", but we have fun. Babygirl Kimes is due early January, so stay tuned for more baby news.

3. I am blessed with a job that I love. Seriously. I know most people dread going to work or only go to their job for a paycheck and don't put forth much effort, but I legitimately love my job. I am a cashier/server at Liberty Market, a locally-owned urban bistro in Downtown Gilbert, and it is literally the best company I have ever worked for. I enjoy working with everyone, and I even hang out with most of my work friends outside of work. My bosses care about me. Like, for real. My bosses do whatever it takes for their employees to feel safe, welcome, and at ease. When I hit my depression, I wanted to work more and cover more shifts because that was the only place I found joy. I would go into work, put my phone away for seven hours, and just focus on my tasks and being surrounded by people who loved me. I could escape all of the drama at work. And, it gave me a reason to get out of bed. Liberty Market is and will always be a very special place for me.

4. I am blessed to be living on my own. As much as I miss my parents and the luxury of living at home, being out on my own again has really pushed me to grow up. I have matured in the last six months while living in Tempe. Also, living in Tempe can be awesome sometimes. I'm just down the road from Downtown Mill Ave, I have easy access to the 60, and I am just a five-minute walk from the Yucca Tap.

5. I am blessed with some kickass friends. This dark time really showed me who my true friends are. I had friends call me or text me just to check on me. I had friends come over and listen to me complain and then provide advice. Some friends I would personally like to thank for dealing with my sad, crying self and pulling me out of the darkness (alphabetical order): Aziz Hussein, Bob Roman, Brenda Eden, Brian Clemence, Brody Boren, Colton Haynie, Corey Coole, Diana Deaver Gudeman, Frankie Carreno, Jacob Evans, Jacob Johnston, James Johnston, Jessica Watson, Jon Pesu, Kelsey Garner, Kha-Le Desou, Krystal Rose, Liam Deaver, Lindsay Young, Mateo Bustamante, Matt Celaya, Meghan Augustson, Michelle Traficano, Nicki Hughes, Sam Greenhalgh, Sarah Sturgeon, Scott Krueger, Skyler Farr, and Stephen Dunegan.

6. I am blessed with a man who loves me. I mean, I could go on and on about how wonderful Matt is to me (oh wait, I already did). After my breakup, it was hard for me to get used to the fact that no one loved me anymore. I thought I would not find love for such a long time. When I met Matt, I wasn't looking for love. When I pushed around the idea of dating him, I had to think: "Am I interested in Matt or the idea of dating someone again?" Truthfully speaking, I love him. And the crazy thing? He loves me, too. He is the reason why I look forward to my day. He is the one always on my mind. I truly can't believe I am his and he is mine, but I love it.

7. I am blessed to be forgiven. I am not perfect. I am a mess, I have flaws, and I do not deserve the forgiveness that God gives me. His grace has redeemed me. I have been washed clean by the blood of Jesus Christ. I do not deserve His mercy, but He loves me like His daughter and I receive His mercy anyways. That's true AGAPE friends.



So, those are my blessings. And I know that life will not always be this awesome all the time. But, I needed to freezeframe this moment in some way, so I wrote it all out. I think Charlie said it best in Perks of Being a Wallflower:
"There are people who say all these things don't happen. There are people who forget what it's like to be sixteen when they turn seventeen. I know these will all be stories someday and our pictures will become old photographs. We'll all become somebody's mom or dad. But right now, these are not stories. This is happening. I am here, and I am looking at her, and she is so beautiful...I can see it: this one moment when you know you're not a sad story. You are alive. And you stand up and see the lights on the buildings and all the things that make you wonder. And you're listening to that song on that drive with the people you love most in this world. And in this moment, I swear: WE ARE INFINITE."