Marriage is a Scary Thing

Yesterday, at 1:30 in the afternoon on one of the most gorgeous days Arizona has blessed us with, my boyfriend took me to a park where we would discuss our future plans. Instead of what I had hoped would happen (that is, our plans aligning), it was brought to both of attentions that our plans are, in fact, different.

Let me back up.

From September 2008 to February 2012, I dated my high school sweetheart. Being together for over four years starts to raise concern: is our love the same now when we started dating? Is he ever going to propose? Does he even want to be with me? Or is he with me because it's "comfortable" and to break up would be a bother? Eventually, our relationship became tense and we grew angry with each other and he broke up with me because we changed so much over the course of four years, and our plans no longer aligned. He didn't want to marry me, and all I wanted was a future with him.

Three months later, I meet Matt. If you remember my blog posts and Instagram pictures, you'll remember how hard I fell in love with him. The first month was the best: we went to concerts, introduced each other to new places, listened to music we both loved (and hated). It was summertime and the heat was rising and the sunsets were beautiful and I was on fire. I knew meeting Matt was something special.

It's been over nine months. We were stuck with the realization that those people are gone and it's time to move forward. Where are you gonna work next year? Where are you gonna live next year? What are your goals--musically and career-wise? And then the big one: do you see a future with me?

He said no, he didn't.

I don't understand. I was just here last year. Why do I keep getting "stuck" in these relationships that don't go anywhere? Am I not marriage-material? Do I not possess "wife" qualities?

Then I thought about something: what is marriage? Why did I hold it so important in my head? Why is marriage my ultimate goal?

Maybe it was the way I was raised. My parents divorced when I was ten years old. My mom has since remarried and tried to make things work, while my dad will never remarry again and has a new baby girl with his girlfriend. Now, I understand my family life is the furthest thing from normal. Maybe I was exposed to the downfall of marriage early in life. Since elementary school, I was stuck in the middle of divorce, custody battles, switching between houses for weekends and holidays and birthdays.

Maybe I wanted to get married to prove something to my family.

I also factor in that I am 23 years old and all my girlfriends are at the age where they are either engaged, married, having their first child, and, for some, their second child. And I look at where I am in my life: living in a small apartment in Phoenix, running a music blog that doesn't generate any income whatsoever, barely being able to afford all my bills, and spending my free time at record stores or concerts or coffee shops. Am I still stuck in college? Is there a deadline for when I need to settle down? How am I gonna catch up to these ladies who seem to understand life better than I do?

Maybe I wanted to get married to fit in.

If there's one thing I planned for my future, it's that I wanted to marry Matt. Not even last a year or two, move in together, take a vacation together. I wanted to marry him. But, is that really what I wanted? Or did I want the Klassen last name? Did I want the fancy wedding to invite all of our friends and dress up nice and exchange vows and have one wicked party? Did I want the joint bank account and the tax benefits and the sharing of everything?

Because, honestly, once you're married, nothing (romantically) changes. We would still watch Battlestar Galactica together. We would still go to concerts and buy records. We would still go to work, come home, eat dinner at one of our favorite restaurants, and go to bed. As far as our dating life is concerned, marriage isn't anything special. It's the same two people, just with rings on their fingers and a marriage license, and a different last name for the girl.

Maybe I didn't want to get married at all.

Maybe I just wanted to look forward to the fact that for, at least a little while longer, I could still enjoy our favorite things together. For just a little while longer, we could have each other. That is, until he decided what his plans were and moved on.

To all of you who loved me and Matt as much as I loved us, know that I never expected this to happen and that I wish I could fix this. But there's really nothing I could do, and that's what kills me. I'm sorry we didn't work out. I wanted so badly for us to work out. I'm really going to miss him and getting over him is going to be tough.

But maybe this is my wake up call. Wake up, Mandi: you're 23 years old, you're in the beginning stages of your career, and if there's one thing you learned in the last year, it's this.

Don't build your current happiness and future plans on someone else.

I did that with Austin. I did that with Matt. And now here I am: no man to call my own and I am a mess. I invested too much in my relationships and lost a bit of myself in trying to be what he wants me to be so he can keep me. But, what I really need to do is find the things that make ME happy, without anyone else around. Make future plans that are specific to ME, and if no one agrees with me or my plans, then they don't need to be there. I need to focus on Mandi again. It's going to take time and a lot of music to get over this breakup. But, I will rise again.