With a Little Help From the Beatles

I write this post with tears streaming down my face with the same feeling I have every so often: alone.


Lately, life has been really mean to me. After having my identity stolen and dealing with some issues at work, I've been pretty unhappy. And, to top it off, I'm currently going through breakup #3 over the past two years.

This breakup was more probably the most sad. The breakup Austin was mutual more or less or very frustrating. The breakup with Matt left me confused and angry.
But this breakup with Freddie was sad. Because we wanted to be together. We deeply cared about each other. We got along intellectually, emotionally, musically. We could be professional and silly at the right times. We were each other's best friend.
I love him. He doesn't love me.

Through any tough time, friends near and far will reach out:
"If you need anything, I'm here for you."
"If you need to talk, I'm here for you."
"If you want to grab coffee or a drink, I'm here for you."

I'm here for you.


Today was an especially tough day.
I was a bit blown off last night, woke up feeling terrible, had some issues at work that required me to take a step back and re-evaluate my job. I cried in the shower this morning, I cried in the car on the way to work, on the way to lunch, on the way back to work, and in the car after work.

It's hard for me to reach out and talk to people because of the betrayal and mistrust I've dealt with in the past. With friends leaving constantly, boys feeding me lies, and my identity being stolen, I find it hard to fully open myself up to people and expose my strengths and weaknesses.
(Lucky you, reader.)
That being said, I have a tight group of people I feel I can talk to. I can call them, crying, asking for help or a place to stay or whatever.

Today, I reached out to people who told they would be there for me.
They were all too busy to be there for me.

I sat in the parking lot of a Barnes & Noble crying hysterically, speaking my thoughts and feelings to no one (or God, if he was listening) and it made me really sad.

I drove off. I turned on some music. I flipped my iPod to the only thing that NEVER fails me.
Music. More importantly, The Beatles.


People often question my love of the Beatles. They don't understand that I don't just like their songs; they were ingrained in me as a child and live on in me today. Their lyrics speak to me more clear than any Bible verse. They were the only people who were ever always there.

Through every breakup, bad day at school or work, argument with my parents, I turned on the Beatles. Or, as John sings in "Tomorrow Never Knows": "Turn off your mind, relax and float down stream."

When I'm driving and feeling emotional, I always turn to the same song. My number one favorite of all time. No other song in the history of all the songs I have ever listened to can out-rank this song. Because it teaches me to take a sad song and make it better. It also allows me to scream at the top of my lungs and let out all the bullshit while singing "Na-na-na-na!"

The week I found out about my identity crisis, I had plans to see Paul McCartney live. I almost didn't go, because I was feeling depressed and was too sad to leave my house. But, everyone who knew told me "Get outta the house. You'd be crazy not to go to the concert!" They were right.

I trekked down to the venue, sat in a stadium of 15,000 Beatles fans, and witnessed the best concert of my life (and I've been to A LOT of concerts).

When Paul sat placed himself behind the piano and sang "Heeeeey...Jude..." I lost it.
All the emotions I was holding inside released out of my body.
I sang along and screamed and yelled with the audience. I cried. I took a selfie because I didn't wanna forget that moment.


It was then that I realized why I was there. My life had turned to shit to the point where I didn't wanna leave my home. But I left my home for music. For Paul. For "Hey Jude". For the Beatles.

As far as my identity being stolen, I have to let it be, just as Mother Mary said.
As far as Freddie not loving, I can wait as long as I can possibly wait for him to love, but in the words of George: "You're asking me will my love grow? I don't know...I don't know. If you stick around, then it may show. But, I don't know...I don't know."
As far as little life annoyances, I have to shrug and mutter "Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da, Life goes on!"
When life pushes me down and I feel like I can't get up, I need to take these broken wings and learn to fly.

And in situations where I feel alone and like no one gives a shit to listen to my problems or let my cry on their shoulder, I have learned to get by with a little help from my friends who are John, Paul, George and Ringo.

Singin' the Blues

I'm not doing okay today.

I've been really struggling over the past few weeks. Struggling in different areas in my life.
After typing out each of my struggles into the following categories, I have come to a realization I have been afraid to confront: I am depressed.
It's hard for me to sleep, and when I do sleep I have nightmares of ghosts that haunt me. I barely eat, and it's hard for me to finish a meal. I am skipping out on concerts and plans with friends because I don't want to face people. The idea of being around large groups of people suddenly frighten me.
I don't like this. I don't want to be this person anymore.

To accurately express my fear and sadness, I have opened myself up to you, the people of the internet. Here's my heart, my mind, my soul, my emotions: all of me.
The first step towards healing is recognizing the hurt.

FAMILY
Since the person who stole my identity is someone in my family, it's been really tense. Talking to certain members of my family has been tough because it feels like people are starting to take sides. It's not about taking sides; it's about working together to fix our issue and move forward in erasing the debt, both financially and emotionally. However, the other person isn't willing to work with me and it's killing me.
I am especially not looking forward to the holidays. This person has expressed to me that they are not coming to family Thanksgiving dinner, which leads me to be concerned for Christmas and my birthday (December 26th). As much frustration as this person has caused me, I don't think they should spend the holidays away from the family. I don't want this person to continuously run away from the issue. And the holidays are going to be especially difficult without them there.

THE HOLIDAYS
I would just really not like to do the holidays, which makes me really sad because this is my favorite time of the year with Christmas and my birthday and the New Year and cold weather and starting over and everyone coming together. But lately, I've lost that.
I used to love my birthday. It's a very unique day, I always had the day off from school, it was right around Christmas so everyone was in a good mood. It was around high school that I really started to dislike my birthday. I'd have to rearrange days for my party because my friends would either be out of town or they'd have family in town or still had some holiday events going on. My birthday was always celebrated in January when school let back in.
My family always did a good job differentiating the days: we celebrated Christmas on the 24th or 25th and I opened Christmas presents, then on the 26th we celebrated my birthday and I opened birthday presents. My friends, not so much. Sometimes I would get combined presents: ""here's your Christmas/Birthday present". Or a Christmas card with "Happy birthday!" written in it or vice versa. Or a birthday present wrapped in Christmas wrapping.
Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the effort, but it's bullshit. My birthday is NOT Christmas, so don't treat it like it's an inconvenience for you. It's been an inconvenience for me for almost 24 years now.
I have now gotten to the point where I do not look forward to my birthday. Plans always get cancelled, people always bail, and I'm left celebrating alone. Since 23 has been the shittiest year for me, I want to end with a bang to welcome 24 with open arms. All I ask is that I'm surrounded by love and people who will be there to celebrate me. I get one day a year, and I hate to get to this level of diva, but I feel like I deserve it.
You know who you know when you've transitioned into adulthood? When you no longer look forward to the holiday season. I am an adult and I hate it and I wanna go back to liking the holidays and my birthday again.

HOME
I live in Chandler with my dad and stepmom and baby sister and three boys. Talk about culture shock. It's a huge adjustment going from living on my own in the city to living with a bustling family in the suburbs. My baby sister has her own set schedule of crying, eating, pooping, needing attention, etc. and my step brothers are messy and loud and don't know what it's like to live with a girl (toilet seats don't go up, clothes don't always end up in the hamper, etc.) I know it's how preteen boys live, but I've never lived in that environment, so it's a huge adjustment.
My parents have been more than great to me. I have moved in with them while I try to get my shit together, and they have been a huge blessing to me. I wish I could spend more time with them. But work and concerts and meetings get in the way.
And because I work a lot of shows in Phoenix and work in the office the next morning in Paradise Valley, occasionally I will stay with my boyfriend to save gas and spend time with him. Sometimes, I end up staying for a few nights in a row, and don't go home until I run outta clothes or need to do laundry or have overstayed my welcome and need some family time.
I basically live in a suitcase. I'm constantly packing my bag and heading to Phoenix. When I'm home, I try to put together my room and make it my own space, but it's so hard when I'm barely home. That, and I don't wanna make myself too comfortable if I don't plan to be in their home for a long time.
I have constantly lived my life in boxes. I have lived in a total of eighteen homes now, so I have not been able to allow myself to get comfortable. I just want to find a place where I feel at home, where my records are playing and my clothes are hung up and my food is in the fridge and I rest my head at night. Hopefully one day I can find my home.

RELATIONSHIP
Even though my relationship with my boyfriend has been struggling a bit lately, I have to give him kudos: he has stuck by myself for the past three months and has carried me through the storms. He has driven me to work when my car has broken down, pulled a bee stinger out of my finger when I got stung, allowed me to cry on his shoulder when I wanna run away and hide, and has supported me in everything I have done with my crazy life.
That being said, he is an extremely busy person too. He owns and operates his own video production business, so it's a lot of pre-production, filming, editing, post-production, etc. When we both get into business mode, we tend to cut each other short. We've also struggled with where we are at in our relationship, being that we have now dated for three months and it's approaching a stressful time of the year and we're launching a new project in January (super excited...that's all I'm going to say).
He's so sweet to me and treats me like a special lady. And I look forward to where our relationship can grow from here.

WORK
My one-year anniversary of working with this company is approaching, and it's so surreal. A year ago, I was a college graduate looking for a job while slaving away at restaurants. Now, I'm a full-time social media and marketing coordinator for a concert promotion company and I love it.
Having been here for a year, I have been given a lot of tasks and have taken on a lot of responsibility. Just because I love my job doesn't mean it's not work. It's definitely work. I have deadlines, meetings, people to work with that require some patience. There are some days I look at the busy day ahead of me and consider staying in bed. But, if I didn't have a busy life, I'd be bored. A busy life is one that I thrive for.

SPIRITUAL
I haven't been to church in three years. I cannot fathom the idea of going back. But I have fallen short in my relationship with God. I can't bring myself to surround myself with Christians because of the dark past I have had in church. Maybe one day I can learn to see the light again, but for now, I will privately worship and adore my Father.


I hope one day I can feel better again.