Singin' the Blues

I'm not doing okay today.

I've been really struggling over the past few weeks. Struggling in different areas in my life.
After typing out each of my struggles into the following categories, I have come to a realization I have been afraid to confront: I am depressed.
It's hard for me to sleep, and when I do sleep I have nightmares of ghosts that haunt me. I barely eat, and it's hard for me to finish a meal. I am skipping out on concerts and plans with friends because I don't want to face people. The idea of being around large groups of people suddenly frighten me.
I don't like this. I don't want to be this person anymore.

To accurately express my fear and sadness, I have opened myself up to you, the people of the internet. Here's my heart, my mind, my soul, my emotions: all of me.
The first step towards healing is recognizing the hurt.

FAMILY
Since the person who stole my identity is someone in my family, it's been really tense. Talking to certain members of my family has been tough because it feels like people are starting to take sides. It's not about taking sides; it's about working together to fix our issue and move forward in erasing the debt, both financially and emotionally. However, the other person isn't willing to work with me and it's killing me.
I am especially not looking forward to the holidays. This person has expressed to me that they are not coming to family Thanksgiving dinner, which leads me to be concerned for Christmas and my birthday (December 26th). As much frustration as this person has caused me, I don't think they should spend the holidays away from the family. I don't want this person to continuously run away from the issue. And the holidays are going to be especially difficult without them there.

THE HOLIDAYS
I would just really not like to do the holidays, which makes me really sad because this is my favorite time of the year with Christmas and my birthday and the New Year and cold weather and starting over and everyone coming together. But lately, I've lost that.
I used to love my birthday. It's a very unique day, I always had the day off from school, it was right around Christmas so everyone was in a good mood. It was around high school that I really started to dislike my birthday. I'd have to rearrange days for my party because my friends would either be out of town or they'd have family in town or still had some holiday events going on. My birthday was always celebrated in January when school let back in.
My family always did a good job differentiating the days: we celebrated Christmas on the 24th or 25th and I opened Christmas presents, then on the 26th we celebrated my birthday and I opened birthday presents. My friends, not so much. Sometimes I would get combined presents: ""here's your Christmas/Birthday present". Or a Christmas card with "Happy birthday!" written in it or vice versa. Or a birthday present wrapped in Christmas wrapping.
Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the effort, but it's bullshit. My birthday is NOT Christmas, so don't treat it like it's an inconvenience for you. It's been an inconvenience for me for almost 24 years now.
I have now gotten to the point where I do not look forward to my birthday. Plans always get cancelled, people always bail, and I'm left celebrating alone. Since 23 has been the shittiest year for me, I want to end with a bang to welcome 24 with open arms. All I ask is that I'm surrounded by love and people who will be there to celebrate me. I get one day a year, and I hate to get to this level of diva, but I feel like I deserve it.
You know who you know when you've transitioned into adulthood? When you no longer look forward to the holiday season. I am an adult and I hate it and I wanna go back to liking the holidays and my birthday again.

HOME
I live in Chandler with my dad and stepmom and baby sister and three boys. Talk about culture shock. It's a huge adjustment going from living on my own in the city to living with a bustling family in the suburbs. My baby sister has her own set schedule of crying, eating, pooping, needing attention, etc. and my step brothers are messy and loud and don't know what it's like to live with a girl (toilet seats don't go up, clothes don't always end up in the hamper, etc.) I know it's how preteen boys live, but I've never lived in that environment, so it's a huge adjustment.
My parents have been more than great to me. I have moved in with them while I try to get my shit together, and they have been a huge blessing to me. I wish I could spend more time with them. But work and concerts and meetings get in the way.
And because I work a lot of shows in Phoenix and work in the office the next morning in Paradise Valley, occasionally I will stay with my boyfriend to save gas and spend time with him. Sometimes, I end up staying for a few nights in a row, and don't go home until I run outta clothes or need to do laundry or have overstayed my welcome and need some family time.
I basically live in a suitcase. I'm constantly packing my bag and heading to Phoenix. When I'm home, I try to put together my room and make it my own space, but it's so hard when I'm barely home. That, and I don't wanna make myself too comfortable if I don't plan to be in their home for a long time.
I have constantly lived my life in boxes. I have lived in a total of eighteen homes now, so I have not been able to allow myself to get comfortable. I just want to find a place where I feel at home, where my records are playing and my clothes are hung up and my food is in the fridge and I rest my head at night. Hopefully one day I can find my home.

RELATIONSHIP
Even though my relationship with my boyfriend has been struggling a bit lately, I have to give him kudos: he has stuck by myself for the past three months and has carried me through the storms. He has driven me to work when my car has broken down, pulled a bee stinger out of my finger when I got stung, allowed me to cry on his shoulder when I wanna run away and hide, and has supported me in everything I have done with my crazy life.
That being said, he is an extremely busy person too. He owns and operates his own video production business, so it's a lot of pre-production, filming, editing, post-production, etc. When we both get into business mode, we tend to cut each other short. We've also struggled with where we are at in our relationship, being that we have now dated for three months and it's approaching a stressful time of the year and we're launching a new project in January (super excited...that's all I'm going to say).
He's so sweet to me and treats me like a special lady. And I look forward to where our relationship can grow from here.

WORK
My one-year anniversary of working with this company is approaching, and it's so surreal. A year ago, I was a college graduate looking for a job while slaving away at restaurants. Now, I'm a full-time social media and marketing coordinator for a concert promotion company and I love it.
Having been here for a year, I have been given a lot of tasks and have taken on a lot of responsibility. Just because I love my job doesn't mean it's not work. It's definitely work. I have deadlines, meetings, people to work with that require some patience. There are some days I look at the busy day ahead of me and consider staying in bed. But, if I didn't have a busy life, I'd be bored. A busy life is one that I thrive for.

SPIRITUAL
I haven't been to church in three years. I cannot fathom the idea of going back. But I have fallen short in my relationship with God. I can't bring myself to surround myself with Christians because of the dark past I have had in church. Maybe one day I can learn to see the light again, but for now, I will privately worship and adore my Father.


I hope one day I can feel better again.